Church life - life

 I've avoided writing about church on here because I don't actually know who reads these but I'm pretty sure its just immediate family members and part of me would rather not talk about my thoughts and feeling around where I'm at with church with them. I think I want to figure this out for myself, I don't know, but I do know that they love me no matter what I choose to do in my life.

I've spent a good few hours flooded with thoughts, feelings, memories of my teenage years growing up in the church. Yesterday, I think it was, Mathias asked me if I did early morning seminary class, I said I did. He then asked if I completed all 4 years, which I did. He seemed stunned my this, he has just started and I guess is struggling with the early morning wake ups. I added (in typical parent style) "when I did seminary..." I didn't have the luxury my teenagers do of doing it in the comfort of their own home. I got up and traveled to seminary either at the chapel or at the teachers home - 15-20min drive away. This little conversation opened a flood gate of thoughts and memories!

I have fond memories of my teenage years growing up in the church. I am currently less-active and don't live gospel standards. I was thinking about what it is that made my experience what it was. I feel strongly that I was part of a gospel family, one that I still feel are family to this day. My leaders, my peers, made it relatively easy to do the next 'right' thing. Attend church each Sunday, young woman's / mutual and seminary. I don't recall ever questioning going, I don't recall ever not wanting to go, that's what we did, and wether I fully participated, or snuck away into the empty chapel to be alone and play the piano, I look back on those days with much fondness. I don't ever feel like I fit in with the crowd of my church going peers, but I do feel like they loved me, quiet and a little quirky...me. I feel like every single teacher/leader loved me more than I understood or knew back then, but I felt it in my teenage capacity.

My mum was a single mum supporting and raising me and my siblings. I had a lot of freedom to be whoever I was, to explore and I felt safe and secure at home/church while growing up during this significant coming of age period of my life. My gospel family are a big influence in who I became as and adult.

My kids don't have this. Not even close, and I completely believe that their experience was and is always meant to be their own and is as individual to them as they are. I also know that as their parent I want them to experience all the good things I got to, or at least try to provide them with opportunities to, but I am also my own person, that continues to travel through stages and fazes of highs and lows, of strengths and weaknesses, and as I know that is completely normal. I do feel guilty sometimes, for not being the kind of consistent strength in the gospel, heck...in life... that I think I should be...for my kids. But I also know this is normal, I know I'm not a bad person or even a bad parent, so for the most part I try to be compassionate with myself too. as I would with anyone else who would be in my shoes.

I know that I try my best to be a good and kind person, to be a good and kind mother. I know I try my hardest to just survive sometimes, and that just is, what it is. I don't want to let my mum down, but I know that aside from Kerry, she is knows me better than anyone else, and she loves me. She is the most self-less human I know and she is a pillar of strength (although I know she doesn't feel like it) I know, she draws her strength from heavenly sources, I can say without a doubt that I knew it, because she does.

This life, this world, us humans...are so so complex and so incredibly unique. It's so messy, even ugly in some parts, but so breathtakingly beautiful for the most part, we just have to open our eyes and choose to see it!

Back to school - 2023 term 1

 Kerry is away tonight and probably tomorrow night too. Then he is working away all of next week, so I'm not working. It sucks when he's not here. Not that we see each other much usually because he works during the day, then I go to work when he gets home, but there's something about still being here and doing this together. 

The kids are all back at school, yes, Taylah too. so Taylah is year 11, Mathias year 9, Carter Year 4 and Micah Year 1. I've made it very clear to Taylah that she cannot sign out of school until she officially has an apprenticeship, I'm just glad she'll go to school for now. She does have one good friend, Lily, which is nice. Mathias is back into Stannies life blazing, I think he's keen to try harder in his classes this year. He is doing one ballet class which I'm super glad he agreed to. He is has basketball training for ISA team on Tuesdays after school and those games are on Saturdays, but that will only be for the rest of this term. Then he has Goldminers basketball training on Thursday afternoons, then plays in the local comp on Friday evenings.

Carter has Mrs Brown as his teacher this year and Micah got Mrs Haddy, which they both seem pretty pleased with, they have friends in their classes too so they a happy about that. 

Carter has his birthday coming up on the 13th he will be turning 11. He wrote a birthday wish list for me a couple days ago, it was cute. Half of the list is video games and the other half is super Mario gear (clothes, poster, soft toy) a soccer ball and a Messi shirt (his favourite soccer player) He's so cute, I took him to his touch footy game on Monday and he was so excited to see his friends. I'm so glad that he's enjoying it, he also scored a try. He's also asked me if he can have some friends over for his birthday. I hate having kids over for birthdays, I hate kids birthday parties, you know the ones with way too many kids running a muck. anyway, I said he could have two friends over, I might take them to the swimming pool or something like that. 

I started to go to the gym this week, the kids were home on Monday so Taylah looked after Oakley then, but today was his first day in the child care room at the gym. The lady said he did pretty good, he was crying when I went in to get him, she said he started because the other kids had food hahaha, so next time I'll pack him some little snacks. I want to get there three days a week to do my running program, the C25K app which helps me train to run 5K. I'm so excited to be running again, I love it so much. Granted it is hard, but I feel so good when I'm running, it's a real rush pushing my body to accomplish greater distance each time, I find it extremely rewarding. 

My eating has been ok. I'm trying to lose weight, since baby number 3 I tend to let go a little and put on weight after baby born and this time was no exception. So I have been trying to make little changes and practice making healthier food for my body. My biggest weakness is always chocolate and fizzy. I do drink 'no sugar' varieties and I stopped drinking caffeine (coke) and energy drinks I'm totally off now. I would eventually like to stop drinking fizzy drink all together and only drink water. 

Then there's chocolate! AND all the Easter egg are coming out! it kills me! but I am trying. (as I sit here eating a chocolate bar hahaha)

little Oakley is so close to walking, he is taking more steps each day, it sucks that Kerry will be away over the next week and a half because I think he will miss it. He was being to funny tonight while I had Kerry on a video call, he is quite the little character, and so stinkin' cute! I'm so so grateful to have him, he is pure joy.

A New Year - January 2023

Kerry and I went straight back to work as soon as we got home from Western Australia, straight back into house work, work work and the usual school holiday swing. It's been really nice for me because I can sleep in. Mathias usually comes and takes Oakley when he wakes up in the morning and brings him back when he's tired again. One more week of holidays then they will go back to school. I'm a little worried about what Taylah will do, I had made it very clear to her that if she doesn't have an apprenticeship locked in then she will be returning to school, but I know I can't force her and I know she doesn't want to return to school. But I'm not going to sort out an apprenticeship for her, if it's something she wants to do she needs to do the things to make it happen.

Today we took the kids to Scenic World in Katoomba. Last year we got five $50 vouchers to use from the NSW Government so I booked in the aquarium and scenic world. I'd never been and have wanted to go, but things like that are so expensive to do with the all of us so it has been really cool to do some of these things with the vouchers. It was pretty cool, I didn't really know what to expect I just knew there was a steep railway ride and a skyway ride. It was cool to go down into the valley and see the trees and everything from the ground, it is so very beautiful. And going in the Skyway over the valley too is just breathtaking. I think the kids enjoyed it for the most part. We had packed a picnic and had it after at a nearby park, then came home. I was super tired because I worked last night and also stayed up until 2am finishing a book I've been reading, then got up at 8 to get my walk in before we left for Katoomba by 9.30-10

I wanted to watch a movie on my night off so I put one on when we got home, but I fell asleep about 30mins into it and didn't wake up until 9.30pm

We're going to mum and Sariahs for dinner tomorrow which will be nice. I've been teaching Taylah to drive and I think she's ready to do the Bathurst to Orange drive so that will be interesting with everyone in the car too.

I started reading Atomic Habits while we were in Western Australia and had decided to try implementing some of the things I'd learnt so far. One of the things I wanted to do was making a rule for myself to not use my mobile phone in bed, not even checking it, also putting it on 'Do Not Disturb' in the evenings, particularly when I get home from work. I've been doing it now for over a week and it has more than halved the amount to time I spend on my phone, and it actually feels so good! freeing! frees up so my time and mental space, it's great. 

The other thing I've been trying to add is that when I get out of bed, I get dressed for the day. This has been really good too, granted I've been sleeping in while the kids have been on holidays, but it's been good to get me going.

I've also got a goal to lose weight and strengthen my body this year, and practice healthy habits all-round. I know it is a bit ambitious of me to aim for 30mins of exercise everyday straight off the bat but I've been for a walk everyday this week and it has felt so good for me, on top of the other things I've been practicing.

I haven't finished the book yet, I did also start reading a novel I've had for a few years as a bit of a wind down after work, it did slightly backfire on me because I got so into the book I literally binge read it the other night until 5AM!! needless to say I really enjoyed the book and I finished it off last night. I do have the next book in the series too which I bought a few years ago, I'll just have to have a little more restraint when I get carried away reading it, but to be honest, I think it much better than staying up watching a tv show or hours scrolling on my phone so I'm not too mad about it. 

It's the Nevermoor series, I read the first book a few years ago and really enjoyed it, I'm not much of a reader and I'm pretty sure this series is targeted to young/youth readers, but I like them and obviously find them easy to read!

Oakley turns 1 - End of Perth Holiday

 We fly home from Perth tomorrow night, it's been a pretty chill relaxing holidays though it will be so good to get home back into our own space and routine. We've been so chill that the kids have been pretty free-range the last 2 weeks which is producing some undesirable behaviours. Micah in particular is really testing our patience, but they are all very ready to be knocked back into reality.

My little love Oakley turned 1 today, we didn't do much, just had a yummy roast dinner (which he slept through) then cake, ambrosia and ice cream. I can't believe how fast the year went, it is crazy. Adjusting to life with our 5 kids has been an adventure but Oakley brings so much sweetness, we all absolutely adore him, I hope that always stays that way.

Over all we've had a really good holiday, it's been super nice watching the kids together, but more so giving Kerry the opportunity to spend some good time with his brother. I hope my boys make an effort to be apart of each others lives no matter where their lives lead them.

We were able to catch up and visit with Waru and Moana, Elyse and her family and Anita yesterday which was really nice, it's been such a long time since we've seen them it's amazing to hear about how much our lives and theirs has changed over the last 15 years. They live in a beautiful area north of Perth city, right on the coast called Yanchep.

My skin is still really good at this stage so it will be interesting to see what happens after we get back to home and work. I defiantly have a few goals that I'd like to achieve this year even though I know I have a lot on my plate with our family of 7, I'm hopeful about trying to do things that will help be be a better version of myself. I've like to get into a routine of exercising and I'd like to start small but learn to save money consistently.

Christmas 2022 / New Year 2023

 We have been in Perth for just over a week and we have one more week here. It's been nice spending time with Paul, Stella and their kids. The kids all get along, especially Mathias and Cooper. The heat hasn't even been that bad. Kerrys Dad was here too, he went home yesterday. 

Where Paul and Stella live reminds me of California because there's a lot of concrete. There's practically no front yards, it's just road, footpath then houses all packed in close to one another. Not much green grass, a lot of people even have fake grass in their yards. We've done a lot of swimming here, they don't have a pool just plenty of friends who have pools. We have visited a few places around Perth, Hillary's, King's Garden (Botanical garden) and Fremantle or 'Freo' as it's affectionately called by the locals.

Lots and LOTS of New Zealanders here. A lot of their friends are New Zealanders, it's like 'little NZ' here. I've heard the saying a few times in the last couple of days 'small world'... I think it gets even smaller when you're from New Zealand. 

It's funny, I'm not completely comfortable being around so many New Zealanders, they typically reminisce about 'home' and loads of talk about people, who knows who, and the places. I think it's because I don't identify myself as being a New Zealander as such. I identify as Australian, Sydney is my home where I grew up and I was born in New Zealand. And I don't have much memory of places and people so when they all start saying name places and family names I'm out.

An added layer to that is the running 'joke' of trying to get us to move here. Kerry and I had one serious conversation about the possibility of temporally moving to make a bunch of money for a house, he drops that to everyone and it's like it's a definite plan!?

I did enjoy the real Maori bread though.

It's been very very chill and relaxed holiday which is really quite nice. And oddly my skin is in a really really good way at the moment. Within a matter of days it seemed to be clearing, it's still itchy and crap, but it hasn't been painful and inflamed in roughly 2 weeks so I've really been loving that.

We are going away with Paul and Stella and the kids tomorrow until Thursday to a place called Green Head.

Dr Pav

I had a routine Dr appointment today and because of the warm weather I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Dr Pav took one look at my skin then phone the Dermatologist right there. Under the Dermatologist instructions he gave me a prescription to start a drug called Methotrexate and Folic acid to start on Monday12th. I'm a bit down about it because in an ideal world it's not the treatment I want. I believe these drugs will only treat the symptom and not help my body heal but rather suppress my immune system and risk a long list of possible side effects. They could hurt me more than it's worth. But what I'm living with currently, I'm resorting to this. I'm ready to risk it. because I'm finding it so very very hard to deal with. So now I will put my trust in my Dr. I do trust Dr Pav and I'm so grateful I have a really good Doctor. Tonight I was trying to think of which parts of my body are clear and there's not much of it. The inside of my legs seem relatively clear, my feet, my breasts and décolletage, most of my neck and my hands. the inside of my arms are mostly clear but it is starting to show signs of spreading there. Oh well...here goes nothing!

Skin on Fire

 It's 3.30am and I most definitely should be asleep but I haven't been able to get to sleep. When I go to bed I scratch and scratch and scratch and no matter how well I know that it is so very bad for me, I can't help it. I can't stop and now my skin is on fire. It's astounding seeing how much skin I scratch off my body, day in, day out. I did get to a place where it wasn't so bad, but about 3 weeks ago I tried a different probiotic, going off the one that gave me so much relief and my skin regressed back to super painful and debilitating, it's amazing how quickly we forget pain, but when it came back it I remember how miserable it is, how miserable I am with it. so Last week I used steroid creams and ointments to settle get some relief quickly but I don't like to use steroid products too much as I know my skin can become dependant on it and come back worse. So I only used it for last week. It works so quickly to provide relief. but this week it's sore again. I ended up cancelling the appointment I had with the dermatologist last month, it was not a quick or easy decision, but it did not take long for me to regret canceling it so I feel pretty stupid about that. I've made a new appointment but in Sydney because there is now a 6 month wait in Orange and only 3 month wait in Sydney. I really just want to get my skin under control, it's so bloody itchy and so flipping painful, what was I thinking canceling?! 

What is this teaching me? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to that.