A Very Happy Birthday

So we had a little party for Taylah-benet and she was totally spoiled and she loved it. From Kerry and I she got a pink guitar. A One Direction pillow pet from her Nana, Nial (her fave 1D member) doll from her Greening cousins, 50 1D temporary tattoos from Sariah, 1D magazine from uncle Christian and a pink 1D skateboard and a Smiggle gift card from our family friends. And a 1D money box from Mathias, and a second 1D money box I'm not sure who from.

Needless to say she is a big 1D fan.

More and more Kerry and I wonder where those 7 years went, and how they slipped by so quickly. She is getting so big and so fast. I love the relationship I have with her, I feel like we get each other. I love her creativity and her carefree spirit. I love the way her beautiful brown hair falls, and the way she smiles at  me like she knows.

I love the way she cares for her brothers, she is particularly close with Carter. She picks him up like a little mother, pats his back and gives him cuddles. She plays with him and makes him smile. She fights too much with Mathias, but I think that's pretty normal (and he does know how to egg her on!) But when they are not fighting, they are the best of friends, giggling and laughing away.

Kerry and Taylah clash a little. He struggles to be patient with her, the same way I struggle being patient with Mathias. But he is a good daddy, and I know that she knows he loves her.

She made so much progress in school (year 1) this year she came out of her shell a little too. I hope she continues to love school and make friends.

Next year she'll be 8! which is a big deal in our home, But I can wait, and enjoy watching her grow and learn another year more.

Taylah-benet and I at the Daikin Christmas Carols December 2013

SEVEN

So pretty much this exact time 7 years ago I was well and truly in labor and on my way to becoming a mummy for the very first time ever. I thought I'd share my journal entry about that;

Tuesday 19th December 2006
Man, I know it's taken awhile for me to write in here but so much has been going on!

I gave birth to our baby girl last Tuesday it was cray. I had a hospital appointment on Monday 11th at 2.20 pm and when she checked my blood pressure, it was high, so they sent me to have a blood test, then up to the birthing unit where they would monitor the baby and stuff. They said they might have to keep me there is my blood pressure didn't go down so they could monitor it and keep an eye on me.

Well, my blood pressure was staying the same, so they were talking about inducing me. So the Doctor did an internal examination to see if I had dilated at all and I was 3 cm. Which meant to induce me he just needed to break my waters and put me on a drip to bring on contractions. Then the results of my blood test came back and found that there was a problem with my kidneys not working properly.

So at about 5.30 pm they broke my waters and about 45 Min's later contractions started to come. The first hour or two were easy compared to what was coming, then they started getting more and more intense and painful.

I'm not sure what time it was when I started taking the gas, but it didn't feel like it was doing much anyway - later I found out I wasn't using it properly.

At about 9 or 10 pm my midwife changed and the new one was really abrupt and we didn't like her much at first, she suggested if I wanted to hop in the bath which would help me to relax, boy was she right about that! Can I just say, I love LOVE baths! always have always will!

The warm water was soothing, by this time they had taken me off the drip which was forcing my body to contract, I continued to have contractions which was good, but I was still only 3 cm.

After an hour or so in the bath I dilated to 5 cm which they said was pretty fast, but because of the pain I was in I was already screaming for an epidural, even though before labor started I was dead set on NOT having one!

So in my gassed up state I surrendered 'Yes, I want an epidural now!'

The midwife was not too keen on it as she said it would probably only be an hour or two longer, but to me it was already and hour or two too long! The pain in my stomach was crazy and I was sucking on that gas as if my life depended on it, and when the contractions stopped, I slept!

Yup, there in the bath, naked, my husband, mum and the midwife all staring at me, I slept, I was so exhausted and in so much pain I just wanted the pain to stop Right Now!

So the midwife 'surposably' went away to arrange an epidural, 45 MIN LATER! she cam strolling in and did another internal examination, while I was having a contraction!  Which was so horrible I could have shot her to make her stop, I had dilated to 8 cm, only 2 cm to go!

The next couple of contractions I started to feel her (the baby) head moving down, getting ready to come out. She was coming and I knew it, the pain was crazy and I knew by the look on the midwifes face she was not going to give me an epidural!

I wasn't in the bath for much longer, I could feel her head coming down with each painful contraction, I sucked on the gas and kept repeating to myself 'Relax, relax, relax' then I'd detach my lower body from my mind to numb the pain and force myself to relax my lower body throughout the pain.

I think the gas must have started getting to me because I started 'twitching' my head so, everyone made a mad dash to get me out of the bath and onto the bed.

This is where is all started! Yup, she was coming. As I had another contraction the midwife showed Kerry the head which was still inside, but right there! coming out more with each push and contraction. So I started pushing with each contraction. I surprised myself as I never made a sound as I was pushing, it was like I was using every muscle in my body to push but relax my lower body as well.

Apparently I wasn't pushing hard enough and the midwife left he room to phone the doctor and let him know it would be a while, so there I was, legs wide open, sprawled out on the bed, tears streaming down my face, mum on my left and Kerry on my right each holding a hand, Kerry crying because he saw our baby's head, and the contraction came, this time it was HUGE! and I pushed, and pushed, and pushed so hard, when the midwife came back in, the head was coming out! she was coming!

Now that one was huge but the last one was even bigger! and I screamed! I screamed so loud I couldn't believe it was really me, my voice could go that loud! It felt like the midwife had shoved her hands and arms into me and was slowly pulling my baby out ( of course she didn't it just felt like it) as I was screaming my lungs out I could feel my baby's body coming out of me, which is really strange!

Then sudden relief! at last, she didn't cry out at first, they placed her on my tummy, my head was still flung back, I was crying from the pain, so exhausted and tired to move, I slowly looked down to my stomach to see my beetroot colored baby lying on my tummy, I watch Kerry cut the cord, then they took her to the side so I could finish the third stage, and push out the placenta, which looked like a liver or something, then they hoisted my legs up in the air, gave me anaesthetic and three stitches as I kept sucking on the gas which was very much working!

Every now and then I'd gather all my energy to turn my head and see MY baby girl lying on the scales.

12.40 am on Tuesday morning 12th December 2006, 3065g (6 pounds 12 ounces) 51 cm, black hair ... and the most beautiful button nose I'd ever seen! she had a nose and a mouth, and she was beautiful.

So after 6 and a half hours there she was, our Taylah-benet Alice Pemberton

XxArdeth

Tell me the stories of Jesus

It's 1st of December here and we're excited. Decorations went up about two weeks ago because I can! and I love to enjoy them as long as I can, 4 weeks of the year is just not enough.

We strung Christmas lights on the ceiling in our dining room which looks so pretty and magical when they are all lit up.

I love, love, love Christmas. Crazy-ness and all. It gives me warm fuzzys thinking about Santa, stockings, presents and oh my .. all the food! Equally I love thinking back to that very first Christmas night. I love imagining what it might have been like, in particular for Joseph and Mary. Welcoming their precious baby boy into this world and knowing what he would give to this world.

Today being December 1st, we started our advent calenders. This kids have the novelty ones with the little chocolate under each flap and I have one hanging on our wall that my Mum made for us last year. It has little pockets which I've placed three treats in and a 'prompt' card with an activity to do, like today's was to make Christmas cards for your family. HERE is the link for these 'Children's advent calender ideas free printables.

We also started 'Tell me the stories of Jesus' where we'll read a few verses each day about Jesus, leading up to Christmas which is a simple way to help remind and teach my kids and myself why we celebrate Christmas. You can follow this LINK to the image, or you can ' save image as' from below and print.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Chocolate Cake

This is my 'go to' chocolate cake recipe for cake pops, it makes a big cake which will easily yield 50 x 25 gram cake balls. I also like to flavor it with either orange essence or peppermint is nice as well, adding the essence when I put the vanilla in.

I make a chocolate cream cheese frosting with this to make cake pops.

CHOCOLATE CAKE

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour 

1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 teaspoon baking soda 

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (250 grams) butter, at room temperature 

2 cups sugar

3 eggs, at room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups milk, at room temperature 

Preheat oven to 180 degrees C. Grease and flour a 9-by-13 inch cake pan.

In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

In a large bowl cream the butter and sugar for 5 minutes or until light and fluffy.

Add the eggs, one at a time, to the creamed sugar and butter, mixing until just combined. Scrape down the sides of the bowl after each addition. Add the vanilla and mix until combined.

Add the flour mixture, a third at a time, alternating with the milk in two additions. (You'll begin and end with the flour mixture.)

Spread the batter (it will be thick) evenly into prepared pan.

Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Primary presentation 2013

You know how every year when the primary presentation is on there's that one kid. The one the can't sit still, that climbs all over the stand, and hogs the microphone. You know the one I'm talking about?

It was mine! yup, my Mathias that kept trying to sneak the microphone back to his lips, that kept throwing one hand up as high as he could to give a 'thumbs up' to Kerry and I sitting all the way near the back.

I was so stressed out that day that I couldn't see the funny side. I was embarrassed by his behaviour. Then a day later I was embarrassed at myself. For not seeing and cherishing my son for his fun and larger than life energy.

It's hard. sometimes we clash he and I. But I do love him. Just the way he is.

Mathias and Taylah-benet before their Primary Presentation 2013

The great escape

Carter learnt to quickly and efficiently climbe out of is cot! There is no keeping him in there now! No putting him straight down to have a sleep and walking away, because he'll just climb right on outta there! 

So, Now I have to sit on my bed and watch him in his cot until he falls asleep! This could take 5 minutes if I'm lucky, or 30 minutes.

The other down side to this new found talet of his, is that as soon as he stirs or opens his eyes, he just gets out! Instead of just maybe going back to sleep for a little bit longer.

The icing on this cake you ask? 

I was dog gone tired last night and crawled into bed at 12.30am. At 3.30am I was woken, to the sound of Carter. Mason. Cole. Calling out to me. Where was he? Why at the front door of course, why on earth would he still be in his cot and 3.30am!?

So I had force myself to stay awake long enough until he'd gone back to sleep.

And then both my boys were up at 7am

Gratitude Journaling

Water! to play. to watch my kids play. putting my feet in on a hot day like today. {today i took the boys to play with Lygy and Delilah}

Smothering. I absolutely love that my kids let me shower them with hugs and kisses {even in public}. I hold Taylah-benet tight before she gets out of the car every morning for school, kiss her about a dozen times and watch her walk into school.

Misplacing my cookbook. I planned to make macaroni cheese for myself and the kids tonight and I couldn't find my Edmonds cookbook. So I went onto the Thermomix recipe community web site, searched and found a super easy recipe for macaroni cheese with just four ingredience macaroni, water, milk and cheese! I will never {knock on wood} buy Kraft's microwave Easy Mac again!! and it only took about 15 mins.

Airconditioning. today was hot! enough said.

Mobile phones. my husband has gone away for work which sucks. but at least we can still talk on the phone.

M.I.A {missing. in. action}

I've been totally out of blogging the last couple of months and I have thought about 'why' this is, often. I could say I have been busy, but... I'm always busy! {I'm a firm believer we 'make' time for the things we need or want to do/get done!} I think the reason is because of struggle.

This year has been a struggle financially and it hasn't eased up yet! I'm not going to bore you with the details, instead tell you we survive. More than that really, but we couldn't do it without the overflow of love and support from certain people {that's you mum!} It's tough, it's humbling, it's a lesson.

On to brighter subjects, my kids are just perfect. Taylah-benet has settled into her class so well she has friends! Mathias is busting at the seams to start school already! and I'm a little excited for that too! and Carter Mason Cole is approaching those terrible two's. He is super stubborn, cheeky but will melt my heart with one flash of his smile and in that moment all his terrorising is forgiven.

Christmas is sneaking up on us again and all my hopes to be prepared and organised have been lost!

It's been a while

I've been so busy lately I have been struggling to make the time to catch up on my blog. 

Term 3 ended. Taylah-benets teacher has gone on long service leave so she won't be back until 2014. Although she was a little 'all over the place' kind of person, I really liked her teaching Taylah. I feel like it is her determination to see Taylah push herself to achieve her potential that has resulted in the amazing improvement I have seen in Taylah's reading and writing and the speed at what she is working. 

We have just finished up the first week of school holidays and it has been crazy packed full of fun. I wanted to make more of an effort to get my kids outside of our apartment these holidays and the weather is perfect!

Monday I took the kids to a park, then for FHE we went and saw Smurfs 2 which Kerry and I surprisingly enjoyed. Tuesday I worked but our ward was having a primary activity that day so I asked a friend if she would have Taylah and Mathias for the day and take them to the activity. They had a really great time at the activity which was themed 'Fitness Fiesta' where they learnt a little about healthy habits and how to look after our bodies and keep with word of wisdom. The made their own lunches from the 'subway' style bar that was set up. They participated in a little Zumba and yoga, needless to say they had a great day.

Wednesday the sun was hot and it was perfect weather for the pools. So I packed a picnic lunch and met up with my mum at the pools for a swim. Afterwards nana took Taylah and Mathias to the movies to see 'Planes' and then a sleepover at her place which the kids love and is always a special treat in the school holidays. 

When I picked my big two up from nanas the next day, I took them back to to swimming pools (which is really not as much fun without nana) then we headed home.

Yesterday we spent all day out starting off with a play group date at a park, a visit to my friends house so my kids could meet her two Australian bulldogs (real bulldogs...not the team) which of course my kids got a real kick out of. Then we went to another park to meet up with some more friends!

So today (Saturday 28th September) has been the most we've stayed home in one day all week. Kerry spoilt me and let me sleep in, while he had set up the kids mattresses in the lounge so they could hang out in there and watch movies. Then this afternoon we took them to see 'Turbo' which was one of those pretty cool kids movies that I may, or may not have got a little teary eyed in.

I absolutely love school holidays. And honestly we don't even have to do anything for them to be good, what makes it awesome is that I get to have all three of my kids home, with me all the time. I love spending time with them. I miss Taylah-benet when she is in school, in the last 6 months to a year I feel like I have developed a stronger connection with her, being the only other female in our family. Our girl time is priceless (even if she is a bit of a tom boy) 

Mathias will start school in about 4 months, and although I look forward to it, I know it will be a bitter sweet. I will miss his laugh so much during the day. It will be just me and Carter.

I know Carter will enjoy the alone time, not having his big brother and sister in his face all the time and he is such a sweety to look after on his own.

I'm sure I'll have plenty to do next year. 

Bring. It. On.

Jim and Jane's Wedding

Last weekend Kerry and I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of Jim and Jane. Kerry is friends with Jim through TAFE. Jim and Jane are both catholic and Vietnamese so it was a real cultural experience to attend their wedding. The wedding ceremony was held in their church, which we attended however the majority of the ceremony was spoken in Vietnamese so we didn't understand what was being said. Then there was a 5 hour gap before the reception.

So we were able to make it to my nieces 3rd birthday party. Camilla outdid herself again with beautiful arrangements of delicious treats {my cake pops included} and all of Harlow's 'Favourite things' some of which included bubbles, play dough, even her much loved  balance bike, finger nail painting and balloons. I was so glad we were able to make it, as the times overlapped with the wedding I didn't think we would. She is such a cute little 3 year old who steals our hearts with her cheeky grin and her 'bossy' manner that demands your attention when requested. She brightens our lives just like her favourite colour yellow! She was certainly born to shine!

When then time came we left Harlow's party and went to Jim and Jane's Reception which was held at a reception center in the heart of Cabramatta. Although the invitation said 6.30pm we arrived early at 6.10pm only to find they were still setting up some final touches! so, we waited, and waited and waited until we felt it was safe to go in. We were showed to our table and took the opportunity to go and have a photo with the bride and groom. She looked absolutely stunning!

People continued to arrive and flow through the doors all stopping for a photo with the bride and groom. Finally at about 8.30 pm the reception began with the introduction of the grooms family, the brides family and then the bridal party and lastly the bride and groom.

After everyone was seated the food started to come out. it was a 9 course menu, all seafood dishes. There was a live band and Vietnamese singers to top off the experience.

When we received the invitation to the wedding I didn't want to go at all, I didn't want to miss my nieces birthday party and didn't want to attend a wedding were I didn't know a single person but my husband! But I'm so glad we did. I had such a great time, and it was truly heart warming to see a young couple so in love and committed to each other. In a world that is placing less and less importance on marriage this couple embraced it. 

Tayla

My heart has felt so heavy this last week and lessons learnt that I never want to forget.

Monday night we visited with Tayla's family in their home. I baked that delicious banana cake that my kids were begging to get a piece of { I love that they know my cakes are yummy! } I was very nervous to visit, i didn't know what I was going to do or say that could possibly comfort Tayla's family. I would have been inclined to stay away. But they had requested visitors, and I knew it was the right thing to do. 

I was so surprised to be greeted as we walked in the open front door by Tayla's dad, with a warm and happy welcome. There were lots of people there, coming and going. It had been like that non-stop and they appreciated everyone that came to give their condolences. 

The home was so relaxed, half the lounge room was covered in bouquets of flowers and the table was packed with platters and dishes for food that people were bringing.

I cried as I heard Tayla's mum talk about her. She also shared the peace she has already felt. After we left, most of the week really, Kerry and I have talked and talked. 

Last night {Thursday 22nd} Camilla watched the kids as we attended the family service. When we arrived we were told that Tayla was in the nursery room if we wished to go see her. We did.

She looked different. I understood in that moment, when her mother had told us that she didn't look like Tayla. Her body was empty. Her spirit was gone. 

Tayla's mum sat on a chair next to her, so composed. I could not help it. As I saw her little body laying there lifeless I was flooded with the pain. Not pain for myself, but for her family. It was like nothing I've ever felt before. It seemed so terribly wrong. As I hugged Tayla's mum she was assuring me "it's ok, it's ok" 

The night was very long, and very very emotional as the long list of family members shared their thoughts and love for Tayla. There was one very common thread to each of their talks and it was this; anytime they would attend someplace where Tayla was, or if she was visiting them she would ALWAYS say first "I Love you" not just once, but many times within their visit.

I didn't know Tayla that well. But I wish I did. I knew that she loved babies, she would always see me on Sunday and ask about Carter with such a big smile on her face. But in our brief encounters I could feel and remember her sweet spirit I felt. She was genuine. She loved and cared about everyone, and I really mean everyone.

Friday {23rd} we attended the Fureral service. The chaple was packed right to the back of the rec hall. School friends, youth, friends and family were all there. Tayla's mum shared some stories of Tayla. Tayla's dad shared his gratitude to the many people who have showed their love and support to his family at this time. He shared his testimony of the gospel, his testimony of the plan of salvation and the warm comfort he felt in his heart from that knowledge which is why we didn't see him crying.

Our stake president then shared his remarks. He shared his feelings and then he shared the gospel. Assuring that this life is just a small moment, and we will all be resurrected one day, and Tayla will rise as the 16 year old girl she has been laid down as, her parents will have the opportunity then, to continue to raise their daughter, she will have the opportunity to fulfil the desires she had to serve a mission {she's probably already started another sort of mission now} to marry in the Temple and to have children of her own. 

We went to Tayla's burial. It was an image I will never forget. I had not seen her dad cry, I had only seen him strong and faithful, and comforted by the knowledge of the gospel. But here, standing over his daughter laying in the ground he cried, and cried and cried. 

It felt so wrong. It felt so unnatural. That a father was burying his 16 year old daughter. 

They released four beautiful white doves. 

By the time we returned to the chaple for a meal, it was time for Kerry and I to go pick up our kids from school.

It was draining. I can't even begin to imagin how her family felt.  

                                 

   

Banana Cake

I made the most best, moist, yummy banana cake yesterday to take when we visited with Tayla's family and it was the best banana cake I've ever tasted! Even if I say so myself, so here it is.

200g unsalted butter, diced and softened at room temperature 

250g soft brown sugar

Finely grated zest of 1 lemon

Pinch of salt

3 large free-range eggs, lightly beaten

3 very ripe bananas, mashed with a fork

250 ml buttermilk (or regular milk soured with a squeeze of lemon juice)

250g self-raising flour, sifted

1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Icing sugar, for dusting

1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees. Grease a 22 cm round cake tin and line the base with baking paper.

2. Place the butter, sugar, lemon zest, salt, egg, banana, buttermilk, flour, bicarbonate of soda and cinnamon in a electric mixer and mix on medium speed for 2-3 minutes or until combined.

3. Spoon the batter into the tin and smooth the surface. Bake for 50-60 minutes or until golden and firm to the touch. A skewer inserted in the centre should come out clean. Cool in the tin for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool completely. Dust with icing sugar and serve. The cake will keep in an airtight container for up to 5 days.

A loss

Facebook makes it truly simple to find things out and sometimes you don't even need to do any searching it just pops up in your news feed.

Yesterday I noticed a couple of status updates that didn't grab my attention too much, but then I saw another, and then another and without really reading in full these updates I had gathered that someone had passed away. A girl. Someone young. someone named Tayla.

This morning we went about as usual to get ready for church, late as expected, but we got there. We showed up. Carter woke up in a cranky mood and it stuck around. He didn't want to stay in nursery without me {Thank. you!} so I stayed and overheard a surname mentioned and clicked.

I knew this girl. I saw her and her family every Sunday. She was only 16.

I couldn't believe it. And it still doesn't seem real. Then I realised that's why our RS councillor was crying during closing up our class. And that's why the sister cried so much while saying the closing prayer.

There was a sad cloud at Church today and it never really hit me until I got home.

I was trying hard to keep that sad cloud away from me, I didn't want to breakdown crying right before going to a baby blessing celebration. I think I managed to keep it away until I lay in my bed tonight going over my thoughts and feelings that I've pondered today and sharing that with my husband.

My heart breaks for Tayla's family. My heart breaks for Tayla's mother. My heart just breaks. For this beautiful girl who I could have gotten to know better, but didn't. 

Mothers, hold your babies a little tighter tonight. For we never know if or when they could be taken just as quickly as they came. We never know if they will live to 100 years, or only 10. 

I know Tayla is gone on to a heavenly place. I am so sorry. For not getting to know you better, it is my loss.

XxXx

Not a baby anymore

Carter went to nursery for the first time last Sunday, an event I was not looking forward to. He has only just hit the 18 month mark, so I went in with him. That was until I realized he was fine to be left there! I could hardly believe it, and I'm sure that one Sunday he'll snap and realize he wants me to stay, but in the mean time, we walk in, he sees the toys and pushes away from me because he wants me to put him down. He runs straight over to the toys and just plays, and prods around doing his own thing {which I have noticed he loves doing!}

I can take a hint, and I don't like to get in the way of the teachers, so slowly I back away from my baby, exit the room staring at him hoping he'll glance around for me, but he doesn't, I reluctantly close the door and head to my classes.

I don't worry about him. I worry about me.

I am sick at the moment, and so is Carter. Kerry, Mathias and Taylah-benet are not 100% either, but Carter and I are sick, and it sucks.

Growing up

We gave Carter his first haircut last week! He is nearly 18 months and sported beautiful curls, but Kerry has wanted to cut it for some time now, he said it looked 'messy' but I loved it. So, I finally caved into his pressure and let him shave his beautiful hair off, while I held Carter and shed a few tears, saying goodbye to his baby hair, and an unwelcomed but inevitable hello to growing up that little bit more. 

But, after all was said and done, he is still the same little cute and mischievous baby boy of mine whom I could not imagine my life without.

He is starting to test his boundaries, he is much more stubborn than my first two and if I say no, he'll insist that what I really say is yes! He is becoming notorious for making swift and sneaky movements into the bathroom or laundry, climbing to the most tippy top point he possibly could go, to reach something that must be much more exciting than all the toys in the toy box. Rummaging through the rubbish bin, pushing buttons on the washing machine { oh that's my favourite when he turns it off mid cycle!!}, opening laundry and kitchen cupboards to reveal the forbidin treasures behind! 

It is extremely exhausting!

Ever since term three started, every morning Mathias asks when he can go to school. Every. Single. Morning! So, Kerry and I decided to bite the bullet and place him in pre school a second day. You would have thought I told him he was going to DisneyLand he was so excited! 

They are all growing so fast and sometimes the thought sneaks up on me of having another baby, but it is just as quickly blown away by the reality of living in a small two bedroom apartment with three kids!  Another one in here would just be crazy! 

Signs of being School Ready

Only over the last week or two Mathias has been asking when he can go to school. Taylah-benet started back on Tuesday for term 3 and every morning as she gets dressed for school Mathias will ask me if he can go to school too.

It will only be 6 short months before he does start and I am starting to get those mixed feelings about having to prepare myself to let him go a little and begin his experience with the world.

I will miss him so much and I feel my days will be a lot quieter without him at home.

I am so proud of Taylah-benet, I feel like she has made so much improvement this year, she loves school, and it really warms my heart to hear her talking about friends she is making in her own class! She has really come out of her shell, is talking and playing with other kids and is still content to play on her own.

I love seeing her try to improve with her writing and forming her letters correctly, reading and enjoying her maths.

And Carter is turned into a totally cute but frustrating menace over night! there is nothing he can not get into and his favorite places are the ones he is not allowed. The bathroom, the laundry, the rubbish bin, the kitchen cupboards, it is tyring!  he is non stop!

After all is said and done in the parenting job, I love them so much and I could not be happier that they are mine and I am theirs.

Being born different

Last night I looked through my photo album from when I was young. I love that I have these photos, they are priceless to me.

When I went through high school I had all the usual 'self image' woes. I didn't feel like I was skinny enough or that my hair wasn't pretty enough, but most of all, I didn't like the scar on my face. Every time I looked in the mirror that was all I could see, and I hated it. It made me feel ugly.

That was ten years ago. I don't know when it happened, but I think a few things contributed, but now I have found peace with those demons. 

Firstly, is my husband. He knew how I felt about my scar, but he always finds me beautiful. He still does and it's through him that I feel beautiful.

Then second, is my kids. I always worried about having a baby born with the same deformity, and when I was pregnant with my first that fear came flooding to the surface. The very first time I held my first baby, I checked, ten fingers, ten toes, two perfect little lips, and a perfect button nose. I'm not sure if it was in that moment, or some time after, that I realised it didn't matter. It wouldn't have made any difference if she had a cleft lip and pallet or not, in my eyes and to those who truly loved her she would always be beautiful.

I don't worry about it anymore. I've found unconditional love and perfection in each of my babies. But, I know if it were ever to be the case, it would surface those difficult 'self image' days.

I love looking at my baby photos now, I think I was one cute, perfect little baby. 

                   

                   

  

                   

   

Sticky mess

Last week a good friend of mine shared a recipe for a delicious homemade lemonade cordial That she had given me a bottle of last week. It was so good, I was very keen to try make it myself. So I went out and brought the ingredients.

Only, I didn't have a pot that was big enough. But I still tried, I filled my largest pot to the brim with this lemony sugary syrup. Upon realising that this just wasn't going to work, I thought I would take advantage of the Thursday late night shopping to go and buy a stock pot that would be big enough. 

But as I went to walk out the door of our apartment, I turned and saw in the kitchen, the pot of syrup boiling madly! I had forgotten to turn it off! So, without thinking, I ran into the kitchen, slipped on the floor, my arms went flying and in the process knocked the container which had the excess syrup in it, All. Over. My. Head! 

At first I didn't know how to react, and to be completely honest my first instinct was to laugh! But a few more seconds passed and I just cried! I felt like a complete and total idiot! How could I be so stupid! How stupid is this whole image, but totally hilarious at the same time.

Kerry came in to find me stuck to the kitchen floor covered in lemon sugar syrup, he knew how much I wanted to make it, and how much I had already done. He insisted on cleaning it up, pealed me off the floor, ran me a hot bath, then cleaned it all up for me. 

It wasn't just a surface clean either, that stuff went EVERYWHERE! (Turned out that it was the syrup that I slipped on, it was already on the floor) 

Much to my embarrassment and humiliated defeated state, I still went out, brought a 8.2Lt stock pot and a whole bunch of new ingredients.

                      

     

July 2013 School Holidays

Term two went by so fast! 

In the second to last week of the term Taylah-benet bought her report home. There were no surprises, I talk to her teacher often so I know the areas I need to work with Taylah on. 

Of course the main concern is {and I'm afraid will always be} her lack of speed and concentration. Her teacher had already told me that Taylah's report card didn't truly reflect what she is capable of, it isher failure to complete a test within the allotted time. To often she day dreams about what she might write, and not get around to putting the pen to paper!

That being said, she has shown so much improvement. I love that she is so keen to work. She is always asking if she can do her homework or Mathletics. I can really see her trying to work faster.

We're about half way into week of the school holidays. On Saturday while I was out getting the groceries, I had to buy a notebook for Kerr for work. So, while I was there I brought a sketch book for Taylah, Mathias and myself, and a writing book {the one with the lines} for Taylah and Mathias. I want to work with Taylah during the holidays on her writing. Some of her letters she forms them backwards like writing an S starting from the bottom. Remembering to leave spaces between her words. So far it's been really good, I love watching her try so hard to remember how to form the letters, then watching her write a whole sentence using the correct formations. 

On Monday we surprised the kids for FHE and took them to see 'Despicable me 2' which was really funny, but Carter was not cooperating! 

                   

     

We have a few things on this week which I'm hoping will get us out of the apartment and the kids will enjoy. 

You know better than I

My due date passed and I didn't even remember. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad. Every other year I remember. The day before I prepare myself and I say to Kerry "You know what tomorrow is right?" and always to my surprise, he remembers.

My baby I lost is always in my heart. It is etched into my very being, shaping apart of who I am, how I think and how I feel. I love that I have a reminder of you. It's not to remember the heartache that came with loosing you, but the lessons I learnt from having you.

A lesson I will never forget that came in the simple words of a song:

"You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

For you know better than I"

I may never know the reason you came into my life and left it so suddenly, but like Nephi says 

"And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children;

nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things"

1Nephi 11:17 five scriptures

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I do not know the meaning of everything that happens in my life, but He knows better than I. And it was through you, that I learnt this lesson.

I still don't know if I will ever have you or see you again, but I will always be grateful for the lesson you helped me learn.

{this month would have been you're third birthday}

Making the switch to cloth

Up until now I have always used disposable nappies, I never had any incling to do it any other way. Until recently I discovered Modern cloth Nappies {MCN} and as I have been reading more and more about them verse disposables, the more and more I like the idea of them.

The number one reason being the cost. We spend something crazy ridiculous like $3,000 to $5,000 on disposable nappies and wipes per child. I have three kids so that adds up to roughly $9,000 to a whopping possible $15,000 so far! That's the cost of a small car, that we literally throw into the bin.

Comparing that to the cost of MCN which is an initial out lay meaning you'll need to pay in up front, I've roughly worked out you would need about 50 MCN to last one week and their prices range from about $15 to $35 each making the upfront cost around $750 to $1750 not including wipes. Which you would then used for subsequent children.

MCN have really come along way since I was a baby. When someone says cloth nappies, I immediately think of jerry towel cloths and horrid safety pins. Big stinky buckets of bleach, and a lot of washing!

Not these babies! 

So, a few weeks ago I purchased one online, just to see what it was like and to try it out. The one I brought was from a brand called Bambooty, and was from their night time range. Being designed to last all night it has four absorbers attached inside. Once I got it, I followed the instructions and soaked it over night, then put it in the washing machine by its self with no washing powder/liquid, them put it in the sun to dry. This is meant to help increase the absorbency. 

So far I only have two MCN which I have been using for night time on Carter. When I take it off in the morning I like to rinse it then place in straight in the washing machine with half the usual amount of washing powder, then let it dry in the sun throughout the day.

I am really liking it. Firstly because it reduces the amount of disposable nappies I am using/paying for! It also feels great to know I am opting for an environmentally friendly alternative. It really is not as bad as some may think having to clean off pooie nappies, and it makes sense to flush it down the toilet right!? 

I intend on having a few more kids, and although I'm now realising the money I've already wasted on disposable nappies, I'm excited to turn to a better option for my pocket and the environment. 

 

Up, up and Away

Carter Mason Cole is finally up and walking. Last Thursday to be exact {6th June 2013} just shy of being 16 months. I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone to a friend while the two boys played in front of me, when I see Carter take a few steps! It was magical and so exciting. 

Kerry was away for work all week, so I felt sad that he wasn't here to see it. But I did get to record some of it. I wasn't entirely sure if he would so it again, but thankfully he did, and I was able to share the video with Kerry.

It never ceases to amaze me how unique each of my kids are. Such unique individuals so different from each other. Taylah-Benet is my drama queen, Mathias is energetic and hilarious, and Carter is so cute and stubborn! 

He is also waving! Which is the cutest wave EVER, is Super kissy! Which I absolutely love, and eating so much more now! 

He is growing up and changing so fast, I am starting to see glimpses of a little boy and not a baby anymore. 

Teaching the hard lessons

This is one of my favorite images I've come across floating through the Internet. It's almost like an affirmation. I think no matter the challenges and lessons you endured prior to becoming a parent, nothing can prepare you for it. I've heard it said that you either married your greatest challenge, or gave birth to it and I certainly gave birth to mine. Being a Mum is hard work. It is demanding, not just physically but more so mentally and emotionally.

Tonight was my toughest to date. and it wasn't even what they did, it was what I had to do. All while listing to my daughter beg and plead for me to not take away her special things, questioning and doubting if I was doing the right thing, and if it was the right thing to do then why was I finding it so hard but necessary to do?

What I concluded was that, it is hard and painful to see her suffer. But very necessary, for me to teach this lesson. All the while thinking this must be how our Heavenly Father feels. I Love my kids more than I could ever express, with every fiber of my being with every grain of my soul. It is my most vital mission that my children know how much I love them.

And I just pray that as I continue to teach them these hard lessons, that I will have the courage and strength to do what is necessary and that they will never doubt that I and their Heavenly Father love them.

Has it really been THAT long!?

This is one of my favorite photos from my wedding day, but it wasn't a posed shot. After our ceremony on Frenchman's Beach, La Perouse, getting so cold in my strapless gown someone lent me their jumper while we waited for the rest of the bridal party to take photos.

It sums up so well how we felt, so in love standing there, cold on the windy shore. Not sure where our lives would take us, but ready to face the world together.

Marriage is certainly not easy. It is a lot of work, give, take and compromise. But being in love, it's like the easiest feeling in the world. As long as we remember that, we'll always be OK.

7 years down, Eternity to go!

Yuck ek

I was quite looking forward to my Friday, just Carter and myself. Everything seemed  relatively normal {except for the small clue that Mathias had been in our bed that night complaining of a soar tummy!} So after dropping Taylah-Benet at school, I proceeded to take Mathias to preschool, when he jumped up from his car seat and said 'Mum, i gunna be sick!' I swiftly pulled over to the side of the road {unfortunately in a very public place} pushed the button to make his window go down and told him to do it outside! so I felt terrible as I sat watching him behind me in my side mirror throwing up out the window!

I got out, wiped his mouth, the side of my car was now covered with his 'sick' then got back into my car when I saw a woman in the car driving pass waving frantically at me. I thought to myself, crap! she's going to say something to me about my sons vomit on the side of the road!

She pulled her car in front of mine, jumped out and came running over to me with a disposable sick bag and some tissues!

I was so touched by this strangers act of kindness that even though I was not feeling panicked in the situation I felt like crying! I didn't, but I was shocked and overwhelmed by such a small and simple act of kindness.

So, I turned the car around and took him home. Kept him on the couch all day denying each of his requests to eat 'real' food! instead giving him nothing but toast and water.

That evening, Carter threw up in his highchair.

2 am last night, Taylah-Benet threw up in the bathroom, then again in the car, into the sick bag! {LIFE SAVER} later in the morning.

Yay-ness right!?

Other than the vomiting, they have been going about their day as their usual selves. Playing, fighting & all the rest.

Winter blues

It's getting colder here in Sydney and it kind of sucks. I hate the cold {one of my big reasons of never living in NZ again} there are a few things however, that I do like about the cooler weather,

1. Slippers, fresh new slippers, big bed socks, it doesn't matter if my whole body is warm except for my feet, if they are cold I can't sleep! so I try to keep them warm as much as I can.

2. Blankets, warm ones, snuggling under a warm blanket in the evenings which leads onto my next one

3. Hot Chocolates, seriously is there anything better than a hot chocolate in winter!? especially Thermomix hot chocolates! add a Tim Tam slam complete yummy-ness {OK, now I want one!}

4. Soup, hot soup with fresh {thermomix} bread rolls, pretty much essential in winter.

Tell me, what things do you love in winter, what do you do to keep warm?

Chocolate and Almond Torte {Gluten-free}

I made this yesterday after my epic failed attempt at making a humming bird cake, where the recipe called for 'mashed banana' I chopped them! duh! so it turned out more like a dry cake with chunks of banana and pecan with a close resemblance to vomit! suffice to say, it was indeed an epic fail.

So with only about two hours to spare before my guests arrived, I dived into my much love and trusted 'David Herbert's Best-Ever Baking Recipes' book to find a new cake to make, one that wouldn't fail!

I love trying new recipes so I pick this Chocolate and almond torte {which is also gluten free} and it was amazing! sooooo yum. as he introduces the cake in the cookbook he states "This gluten free cake is so rich and dense it is more of a desert than a cake. All it needs is a dusting of cocoa or icing sugar before serving with cream or ice cream"

TRY IT!! it is super yum, it's like a desert cake...you can thank me later ;)

Prep 20 minutes
Cooking time 45 minutes
Serves 10-12 {ha, yeah right!}

400 g dark chocolate, broken into pieces
250 g unsalted butter diced
6 free-range eggs
400 g caster sugar
pinch of salt
100 g ground almonds
cocoa for dusting (optional)
cream or ice cream to serve (optional)

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees. Grease a 23 cm spring form tin and line the base with baking paper.

Place the chocolate and butter in a heatproof bowl set over a saucepan of barely simmering water (make sure the bowl doesn't touch the water) until melted. Remove from the heat and leave to cool for about 10 minutes.

Place the eggs, sugar and salt in an electric mixer and mix on medium speed for about 7-8 minutes or until think and pale. Add the melted chocolate and then the ground almonds and fold in with a large metal spoon.

Spoon the batter into the tin and bake for 45 minutes - the middle of the cake will still be a little soft, but that's fine. Leave to cool in the tin (it will sink while cooling) dusting with cocoa (if using) and serve slightly chilled with cream or ice cream, if liked. wrap the cake well in plastic film and store in the fridge for up to 3 days.

If you ever come across this cook book I would highly recommend it if you love to bake. It is absolutely awesome and I haven't made anything from it I haven't liked!

The happs

Taylah-benet's is well and truly back at school for term two. I've been really impressed with the progress she has made, however her teacher has raised the concern regarding her slow pace. It gives the impression that she doesn't know how to do things, when really she does, she's just not doing them at a regular pace. She's the second teacher who has recommended taking Taylah-benet to see a doctor/specialist.

Mathias is doing really well at preschool this term. We haven't had any problems separating in the mornings {knock on wood!} I went to visit him at preschool last Friday for a Mother's Day morning tea. It was really great to watch him participate and play. I think it's the longest I've ever seen him sit still and follow instructions! Watching him run around the playground with five other little boys following him always reminds me of how so very different he is to Taylah-benet.

Carter is still not walking! I know I should be enjoying every week that passes where he isn't running around yet, but I feel like he moves around enough now it really wouldn't make that much of a difference. He'll walk pushing a toy or a chair, he can stand up on his own in the middle of the floor, he just isn't taking steps on his own. He seems to have gotten more hungry of late, upping his wheatbix intake to three! And it's as thought he demands to have his dinner now too! He is in a terrible 1 stage, you know, like the terrible 2's but he's not 2. He gets into EVERYTHING! And it drives me nuts. He loves climbing on the table, pushing the dinning chairs on our wooden floors to make a terrible loud sound, and a favourite, opening draws and just throwing its content as far as he can! Rushing into the bathroom to stand on the toilet, on occasion actually getting into the toilet! Eating rocks, throwing the clean unfolded washing everywhere, it's like his mission is to just make mess!

And me!? I'm great. I had a good Mother's Day, Taylah-benet was so excited to give me the present she got for me from school, a pink mug, and Mathias gave me a little wooden heart tea light holder. We visited my mums ward followed by lunch with the family, then headed home fora late afternoon nap!

Mother's Day 2013

I've been blessed with so many amazing mothers in my life.

My Nana, whom I admire so much. Even as ailments plage her health, she makes every effort to stay in touch with her children. She travels as often as she can on her tiny budget to France, America and New Zealand to spend time with them and their families. The last couple of weeks I have been thinking allot about my grandad. I can't imagine being separated with my husband for 1 year, never mind 19 years. I have thought how sad it must be for her to not have her sweetheart here with her. I'm sure she must have moments where her heart longs to have him here with her, but I feel that her testimony of the gospel is so strong that she is comforted with the knowledge that this life, is but a small moment, and they will be together again for all eternity one day.

My Aunty Caroline. She is allot younger than my Mum, and is still raising a young family. I admire her so much, in her ability to teach her kids small but very important lessons everyday. They are taught to be responsible for the home they live in, that is provided for them through daily chores that they all understand they must do to pitch in. What I love most about her is the example she sets, her strong testimony of the gospel, her love of our Father in Heaven, shines through as she goes about her days, and runs her home, and raises her children.

My sister Sariah. Now she doesn't have kids yet, but I don't believe this excludes her from a day to celebrate mothers. She is an amazing mother in her own right. She loves my children along with all her nieces and nephews. I love having long conversations with her. She teaches me so much about the things she learns, not just in her studies but about things she learns though her life experiences. Although she has her struggles, she always stays strong in her love, and testimony of the gospel. She always encourages me to nurture my testimony, to grow my testimony.

Last but not least, my Mum. She nearly lost her life to give me mine, and then she tired on to do whatever she had to, to give me my best start in life. She has taught me so much about how to be a good mother to my children through the example she set for me. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my mum, I can talk to her, be open and honest and I know she can do the same with me. I could never fully express the gratitude I feel for my mum.

Of course there are many more which I'll tell you about another time.

Thank you to my husband, for loving me and supporting me he helps me be a better mother.

And you three! I love you so much. I will always love you with my whole heart. No matter where life takes you, I hope you will never forget the love I have for you is unconditional.

You are the greatest adventures of my life!

Happy Birthday Little Sis

Today's my little sisters 26th Birthday and she's not so little anymore. I love thinking back to the days when we were carefree kids just out to have a whole lot of fun. Digging a massive hole in our front yard and filling it with water to create our very own mud bath. Jumping and jumping as high as we could on our trampoline, yelling at the top of our voices. Exploring up the hill, playing in the bamboo bush like it was our secret place. We were like 'peas and carrots' inseparable.

Although we are grown up now and our lives heading in different directions, I will always love you. I will always be here for you. I'm so proud of the beautiful woman you have grown up to be. You ooze confidence in yourself and in your knowledge and abilities. You love unconditionally, and you go after what you want, and you work hard to get it. I love that about you.

I Love you, my life is blessed because of you. Happy Birthday baby sister Xx

Gluten-Free Blueberry Cake

On Saturday {20th April} was my niece's 7th birthday and since I love to bake I tried out two cake recipes I haven't tried before. The first was Orange and chocolate chip pound cake, which is supposed to be a sort of 'Jaffa' cake and it was, it tasted great. But, the second one was Gluten-free blueberry cake, and although it broke and stuck in the tin {I may have been impatient with that step} It tasted sooooooo good! So beautiful and moist, I'm making it again this week! YUM oh, and I'd better title it as a Gluten-free lemon and blueberry cake, and I didn't make the syrup, will try this with the second one!

So here it is;

250g unsalted butter, diced and softened at room temperature
250g caster sugar
finely grated zest of 1 large lemon
pinch of salt
3 large free-range eggs, lightly beaten
250g ground almonds
125g polenta {fine cornmeal}
1 teaspoon baking powder
juice of 1/2 large lemon
150g blueberries, fresh of frozen
Cream, mascarpone or plain yogurt to serve

1.Preheat the oven to 170 degrees. Grease a 23cm round cake tin and line the base with baking paper.

2.Place the butter, sugar, lemon zest and salt in an electric mixer and  mix on medium speed for 7-8 minutes or until pale and fluffy. Transfer the beaten egg to a jug. reduce the speed of the mixer and, with the motor running, add the egg to the mixture until combined. sprinkle over the almonds, polenta and baking powder and carefully fold in with a large metal spoon. Add the lemon juice and mix gently to combine.

3.Spoon the batter into the tin, then sprinkle over the blueberries and press down lightly. Bake for 60-70 minutes or until skewer inserted in the center comes out almost clean, with a few crumbs sticking on it.

4. Just before the cake is ready, make the syrup. Combine all the ingredients in a small saucepan and bring to the boil, stirring to dissolve the sugar. Reduce the heat and simmer without stirring for about 4 minutes.

5.Remove the cake from oven and drizzle about two-thirds of the hot syrup over the warm cake {save the rest for serving} Let the cake cool in the tin. Delicious served with cream, mascarpone or plain yogurt, drizzle with the remaining syrup. The cake will keep in an airtight container for up to 5 days.

One week down, another to go...

One week of school holidays nearly done and dusted and I must say we have had a ball! Turns out we have done something every day and it has just flown by.

Monday as you know we spent in our pj's, but in the evening we went to my mums for FHE/dinner/birthday cake with my family.

Tuesday, my B-day, I was dragged out of bed by the kids under strict instructions to shut my eyes as they lead me to the dining room table were they had drawn a big sign saying "HAPPY B-DAY MUMMY" and the husband had whipped up some french toast with ice cream on top! I worked while the kids played at Nana's house, I got a few surprise presents from my boss, my mum and my sister but a favorite would have to be my husband. {at my request} He gave me his one, and only, much beloved game Call of Duty: Black oops. FYI I married a gamer, but he only plays this one game, so it was kind of a big deal. Then we spent the evening watching my choice of movie 'The ugly truth'

Wednesday I implored the services of my sister to help me take my three kids to the doctors, a trip I highly dread now taking all three it is a total nightmare. The kids got the OK, Carter got three needles, and the entire visit went so much smoother with the extra help from my sister to keep the kids under control {Thank you Sariah ;)} After the doctors we took the kids swimming and had great fun!

Thursday my mum and sister joined me and the kids to the movies to see 'Escape from planet earth' then we spent the rest of the day at home :)

Today we headed to Bunnings with a little project to buy some herbs to grow on our balcony. The kids love pushing around the kid-size trolleys there, and they played on the play ground too! Then we went swimming again! I love seeing the kids have fun, playing in the water. Teaching Taylah-benet how to swim down and touch the bottom of the pool so she can fetch coins. They were so tired afterwards, we came home and just chilled until daddy got home.

Kids say the darndest things

Today I sent Taylah-benet to her bed for hitting Mathias in the face {this happens on the daily} but this time, as she walked off into her room and I could hear her stomping all the way, I heard her say "Why do I have to be in this Family!? I hate this family!"

I had to giggle a little at her dramatics, but my heart dropped a little too from hearing her statement even though I knew she didn't really mean it. I quickly followed her onto her top bunk and she thought she was in trouble. Instead I quietly said "Do you really hate this family?" to which she slowly shook her head which was half hiding behind a pillow. "Do you really want to be in a different family?" she shook her head again. Then I firmly said "I don't want to ever hear you talk like that again!"

April school holidays 2013

School holidays is here again and it only feels like a few weeks ago they were going back to school. That went by crazy fast but as I reflect back on the progress Taylah-benet has made over the 11 week term I am reminded how fast she is growing up, how fast she is learning, and how short my time with her is.

It seems among parents you either hate school holidays or love them. Or there is bitter sweets, pros and cons. Not having to get all your kids and yourself decent looking before 8.30am so you can drop the kids to school. Sleep ins {these don't exists in my house but I've heard they are possible} then there is the age old task of keeping the kids entertained! Scheduling park visits, pool visits, movies, cousin play dates, friends play dates, quite {or not so quite} days at home.

I've learnt to even theses days out. Alternating a day at home with a activity planned the next day that usually will require us to get out of our pj's and out of our apartment.

Today {Monday 15th} we are starting off with a pj's day, as Tuesday I work and the kids will go to nanas so I totally call that as an activity day.

Tomorrow is also my birthday. Tomorrow marks my 28 year on this earth.

Kerry's birthday is two weeks after mine. I love celebrating, I love to make him feel special on his birthday but he always says to me every year without fail, "it's just another day"

This year I feel like I understand that a little more. I don't need a fuss, I do love to feel special but the truth is he and kids make me feel special. Blessed even. So wether we are out for a special dinner, or sitting at home watching my pick of the movie, it's just another day I can be thankful for my beautiful family.

A Dream

Too often I find myself dreaming. Dreaming about one day, very soon, owning a real house. It feels so far away.

I am always mindful to be grateful for the home we have. It's not the greatest, but it provides a roof over our heads.

When we bought our unit, it was never the plan to buy. After we were married and Taylah-benet was born we were living with family and we just wanted our own place. At that time the rental market was tough for us newbie renters to crack, and we didn't crack it either. So, out of curiosity, I had looked at places to buy, phoned up a bank just to ask if it was even a possibility on our low income and a few days later we were putting a holding deposit on our unit. It all happened very quickly, we rushed into it. I can't say I regret it, because I don't. It has been a learning experience, it all is.

5 and a half years on and two more kids, we're still here. Snug as a bug in our little two bed room apartment.

But, one day, we'll get there. One day, our time in our small place will be a distant and fond memory.

One day...

What is good Music?

Before we left Sydney for the long weekend, knowing the 4 hour drive we had ahead of us I went and brought a couple of Cd's for the car {to keep Kerry awake!}

1. Justin Timberlake's new album
2. The Carpenters Greatest Hits.

Talk about being on opposite ends of the scale right! I love Justin Timberlake's new album, I think he is a great singer as well as a great artist. Then there are the singers I grew up listening to like The Carpenters, The Judds, Tracy Chapman, Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, Blackstreet and Babyface. I still love all of their music and it is amazing to see how music has evolved since these people were big.

Today it seems you either have to be good looking or are ultra quirky to be in the music industry and not necessarily a good singer. There are allot of performers, who know how to sell themselves. Allot of the music I hear on the radio is just not the same as it used to be. It doesn't seem to have the same quality. The same beauty. The same depth of these truly beautiful and talented singers. Mariah Carey is still in it and look how much her music changed.

All this got me thinking, I want my children to know good music. I want them to appreciate good music and different music. I want to teach them that. I want them to know who the influential artist who practically created the genres.

I'm grateful for my appreciation for all music {well, most! who gets techno!?} I enjoy listening to good quality music. Singers that make you feel something. Singers that you know would still sound amazing with nothing but their voice.

Easter 2013

Easter 2013 fell in March which felt totally weird, but anyway. We spent the long weekend in Cowra with our Sullivan family, Gray family, Nana, Mum and the Greening kids {Camilla and Hugh are living it up at the moment in the USA! Lucky them!} In total all together there were 8 adults and 17 kids, the oldest kids being 16 so she's on that fence to passing as an adult.

We drove late Thursday night taking advantage of the night time with all three children sleeping the whole way, and no traffic. By lunch time Friday everyone else had arrived so Nana got the men, the older boys and the little kids that wanted to join in, to pull some big bushes and weeds out of the front garden.

After they recovered from the gardening we picked up $100 worth of fish and chips and headed up to the lookout in the center of the town. {Best. Fish&Chips. EVER!!!} The kids had so much fun playing together.

Saturday it was a dash to get everyone up, dressed and fed, and to the local Easter egg hunt at the Japanese gardens. After all the kids got their eggs from the hunt we were able to walk through the beautiful garden.

That afternoon we took all the kids to the local pools just up the road. Then had a BBQ dinner and for desert I made a carrot cake and a berry cheesecake and Caroline made a hazelnut gateau with cream and bananas instead of the usual strawberries! and we sung Happy Birthday for all the April birthdays in our family {there's 6 including Kerry and I}

After the kids were all in bed we put up the display of Easter eggs from the Easter bunny.

The Humpty eggs on top are from EB, the ones down the bottom from Nana Stevie, and Nana/Auntie Jenni made the stuffed bunnies. Easter 2013

Sunday morning the kids all woke before the adults and crammed into Nana/Auntie Jenni's bed which was a mattress in the lounge room right next to the display, until they were allowed to get their Easter eggs.

Ready for Church in Cowra, Easter Sunday 2013

Sunday evening had our big Easter egg hunt for the kids followed by a beautiful roast dinner and a lesson from uncle Derek on the meaning of Easter.

Monday, Kerry and uncle Derek planted a whole bunch of fruit trees in their back yard which took all the day, we were the last to leave after having left overs for dinner {there was so much food! it was delicious!}

We drove through the night again and made it home safe and sound without hitting any Kangaroos! phew!

Thank You Sullivan family for having us.

Best. Easter. EVER! Xx

Something I want to remember

Last week when I wrote about my experience with depression, I shared it on my Facebook page and  received an overwhelming response. Some people have never felt this way before so it was an appreciated insight. Others knew all too well what it feels like, and were brave enough to share their battle. My brother in law has bipolar disorder, and shared with me what he is going through, something I want to remember, something I didn't want to get lost in the array of Facebook posts so I've copied it here.

Hi Ardeth! 

I appreciate you sharing this, because I know from first hand experience in the past and right now, what it feels like. I want to share with you (and im sure others) something which accurately describes how I feel most days and what depression is to me...

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you've never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life. It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. No one deserves it. It ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself.

Depression is real. 

Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression.

The biggest standouts and things that affect my day-to-day are...

1. You become pathetic and you know it.
2. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better.

More recently I have been living with this mentality every day, for the last few months and as much as I'd love to change it, I just cant figure out how...

The one saving grace I have is the medication I have... but though It helps with some aspects, It does not change other things about how I'm feeling, and also creates/amplifies other aspects like;

1. The inability to feel sympathy and compassion towards others,
2. delusions of grandeur; that i'm invincible, I'm intelligent, I can do anything and be anything I want to.

Though the 2nd may not sound like a problem, it creates an unrealistic view of the world around me, and rather than thinking I can conquer everything, I start things that I never finish... which rotates in a circle back to my original feeling of no.1. You become pathetic and you know it. One of the hardest things for me to hear on a day to day was people saying how intelligent and smart I am, how I am going to be someone and do something with my life... all the while I couldnt accomplish the most simple things, this almost felt like it was the world way of giving me proof that I am delusional. I still feel like the biggest failure on this earth because my life has amounted to absolutely nothing.

At present I am dealing with the worst feelings I have ever felt, and the worst time of my life. I have thought about killing myself... and do so on a regular basis... and up until right now I have never told anyone that I have have tried to kill myself... I went to that place, its was a scary time.

Right now I am exhausted, and depleted of energy. Every day I think I've hit rock bottom, and something else bad happens... which add to the huge complication of things ruining my life already... but the worst part is this....

Most days I don't feel like visiting my kids... or talking to my wife.... or leaving my room.... for fear of the physical pain I feel when I have an anxiety attack, this slow, strong gradual crushing feeling in my heart, like someone is literally inside my chest, squeezing it until it pops.

I know other people are going to read this, which is fine, I know people know that I might be going through something, but not the extent.... this is it.

So like you, I may understand some of the feelings that you are going through and wish you the best... I would not wish depression in any form upon my worst enemy and I hope you can work through it. You have an awesome husband and a great family.

Feel free to message anytime, I have trouble vocalising what I want to say in person or over the phone because of anxiety attacks, so writing it is the best idea.
 I know this may surprise or scare a few people, but please don't be worried... some days are good, some days are bad.... some days are really really good... because I was diagnosed bi-polar, it goes up and down.... how I feel for the day either depends on how I feel when I wake up, or until something triggers it in me.

Love, Adam.