We brought a house

yup, we did and it's been one crazy ride to get here (what am I saying!? my whole life feels like a crazy roller coaster ride) but we made it. It's kind of a dream come true for me to finally have a backyard after 7 years in a two bedroom apartment, and oh, let me tell you, I have a beautiful backyard that is perfect for my growing family.

I'm still getting use to Cowra, I'm not sure if it will ever feel like home to me, but I have learnt something. I absolutely love Sydney hands down I consider Sydney to be my home. So I miss it, a lot and it was very difficult to leave. But over time I truly began to discover that no matter where I physically am, my heart and my home is wherever my family are. My husband and my three little people are apart of me more than any town or city, or country. Sydney would be empty with me and not them. Anywhere is. So, for now my heart and my home live here.

We also brought a pup. Another life long goal ha! I grew up with a beautiful loving golden labrador and have wanted one "when I grow up" ever since. So on Friday (4/9/2015) we picked up our gorgeous chocolate boy labrador pup we've named Richie.

We've only had him 4 days and it's all extremely new to me. I feel like a first time mum all over again, scared of making mistakes and trying my hardest not to stuff it up and end up with a naughty pup. There is a lot I didn't realize about his breed in particular or I under estimated how much time, effort and energy would be needed to care for him properly. But as I study up on how to provide the best start for him in our family, it reminds me of my roll as a mother to my three babies. A roll that more often than not, gets forgotten because I'm just striving (and struggling!) to survive!

Being a mother/parent is a tough gig! and that is putting it lightly. It is so incredibly complex that there is no one way to do it. It is hard, and I struggle more often than I triumph, but as with most of life's lessons I learn the most through the struggle. But it's usually not until I'm near the end. So I tend to loose hope and confidence a lot, during. So I guess the message is, try not to loose hope. Have confidence and faith that you are doing the best you can with what you have. And if you know you can do better, try that little bit harder, and I know you will grow for the better from it. (Ghee! I should really take my own advice!!)

Finding Home

I'm starting to feel more at home in cowra. I'd move back to Sydney in a heartbeat,  but I had to make this work.

I thought I needed to find a friend, a true friend that I get and she gets me. I was wrong.

I thought I needed to find something to do to fill my time here so I wouldn't think so much about not wanting to be here. Well,  that has helped in many ways.

But as I reflect back on our time here so far and the roller coaster my emotions were going on, what it really took was time.

And learning that my home is where ever my husband and children are. They are my home.

May 2015 has been an awesome month.  Kerry and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary by going on our very first holiday together totally alone!

We spent a week on Hamilton Island QLD which was absolutely beautiful. There was an obvious bitter sweet being away from our kids for the first time, for the longest time but we survived and so did they.

I am continuing to create a healthier lifestyle by exercising regularly and watching what I eat. I've lost about 13 kilos and am working on losing 12 more.

But what I'm most proud of is what my body proves to me each time I push it a little further. I'm even more proud of the significant cut back of processed sugar in my diet. I have felt addicted to sugar for the past 15 years and I finally feel like I've broken free from it. I still allow the occasional treat but no longer crave to over indulge in them.

Our kids are growing so fast. The last week Carter goes to bed when we put him to bed and stays there. No longer needing Kerry or I to stay with him. So for the last week all three of our kids go to bed and and sleep on their own. This is a first for us in 8 and a half years of being parents. Not having a child that depends on us to put them to sleep! Also a bittersweet! Carter especially is finding so much more independence. 

I have signed up to become a Thermomix consultant. I am nervous but feel I have great support especially from Kerry and my family.

Busy but exciting days ahead!  Wish me luck Xx

A decade in review (I'm turning 30 people!!)

It's my birthday this week and I'm saying goodbye to my 20's and hello 30's. I don't dread getting older, I look forward to it (we'll see if I still feel that way when I hit 40's and 50's!!) I've had way to much time to think about my twenties and the adventures they have taken me on, and compiled a list of the last decade and the more significant events that took place at each age, so here we go...

19 years old, I put my life on hold and moved to New Zealand to help my mum.

20 years old, I met and started dating my my (now) husband.

21 years old, I got married and gave birth to our first child.

22 years old, I was sealed for time and all eternity to my husband and daughter in the Sydney Australia Temple and we purchased our first property.

23 years old, I gave birth to our second child.

24 years old, I got pregnant again! much sooner than I had wanted to. Two days before Christmas I ended up in hospital and miscarried.

25 years old, I brought a Thermomix and the kids broke our television.

26 years old, I gave birth to our third child and started my own blog.

27 years old, I discovered cake pops and became obsessed with perfecting them.

28 years old, I slipped into depression and saw a psychologist who helped me work through some tough stuff and is now one of my absolutely favorite people.

29 years old, the kids (Carter) broke our television for the second time. We sold our apartment and moved out of Sydney to the country! I brought my second thermomix.

It doesn't look like much as I read back over that list, but the last ten years has been so much more. There are thousands and thousands more smaller moments that happen everyday and have filled my life taking me to the highest highs and my lowest lows. But I'm still here, still learning and still growing and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm grateful for the years that have passed and excited for the years to come!
Bring it on!!

Enders Game

Kerry and I watched a movie this week called "Enders Game" which is about a young boy who was being trained to command an army fleat to defeat an alien species who had attacked earth 50 years prior. They had trained thousands of children, looking for one who had the capacity to out smart their enemy. The particular traits they were searching for was a prefect combination of empathy or compassion and violence. They nurtured the violence in this young boy, seeing his compassion as his weakness.

Empathy was necessary to know and understand the enemy and how they think. Then with that knowledge and understanding, one would know how to defeat them. Then the right measure of violence was necessary for the obvious,  to kill them.

Too much Empathy and you wouldn't be able to kill them. Too much violence and you wouldn't be able to outsmart them.

This boy displayed the perfect measure of both so he was trained for the task.

However they underestimated his empathy.

There is a particular moment in the movie when the young boy, Ender, in an act of self defense significantly injured one of his peers. Distraught by the outcome of his actions, He goes to visit his sister. He explains to his sister how he defeats his enemies by learning about them understanding them so much that he knows how to crush them, he goes on to say the problem with this is that when he understands and knows his enemies so well, he can't help but feel compassion and love for them.

I couldn't help but relate this concept to my own life, in particular,  to the gospel. 

For 15 years I held onto painful memories of how one person hurt me. Holding on to them fueled hate.

The process that led me to let go of these feelings was the same concept I saw in this movie.

I studied this person, reviewed their past in order to make some kind of sense of how they became the person they are and what drives them to make the choices they make.

All this leads to a moment to clarity. Realizing I was collateral damage for a path that was being laid long before I was even born.

This leads to empathy,  compassion and even love.

When we truly know someone, empathize with them and have compassion for them it is virtually impossible to hate them. We don't have to like them, but we can love someone without liking them.

If we could apply this to our daily lives, if we could peal back our narrow judgmental shades, we'd see someone we could feel compassion for, someone who is struggling just as we are.

We are all fighting battles. We are all struggling.  But we all struggle different to each other which makes it even more important to be kind to one another.

Cultivating Gratitude

My depression came back.

Which reminded me of what the doctor said when I was in high school that I have "situational" depression as well as chronic. So it shouldn't really have been a surprise, given how much my situation has changed. Only this time I have something tangible and real to fight back with. I have an awareness and knowledge of how I can combat my demon,  and I'm no longer afraid to use it.

Over the last two weeks I've taken up listening to a couple of pod casts by Dr Justin Coulson of Happy Families.  He teaches how we can be better parents and how we can be a happier family.  One of his pod casts emphasized and provided proof of the benefits of cultivating Gratitude in our children. So, this week I've been making an effort to do that.

Each night at the dinner table we have always asked the kids (and they ask us) "what was your least favorite thing about today?" and "what was your most favorite thing about today?" This week after listing to Dr Justin Coulson I decided to try and change it to "what are you grateful for today?"

I love taking with our kids at the dinner table it is such a perfect setting and opportunity to do so. No surprise they came up with some awesome things and I witnessed and felt how simply talking about things we are grateful for was able to completely change the mood in our home to a really "happy" one!

So I've spent so much time this week being much more mind full everyday of things I am grateful for, and the "change" or difference it makes is nothing short of magnificent! 

My battle is a daily one, but this time, I am not going down without a fight!

Sweetest prayers

I absolutely love hearing my children pray. They are so particularly thoughtful and say the plainest and sweetest things.

Tonight Taylah said our family prayer and there was a moment were my heart went all warm and fuzzy, I sneaked a glance at Kerry and he did the same to me and we smiled. 

It was such a sweet moment where I felt I must be doing at least one thing right as her mother to for her to whisper such a sweet prayer. 

January 2015

We found a house to rent. This is the our first time renting and I hate it already.  I'm constantly worried about the carpet, the floor boards, the walls, the deck and everything else! Kerry and I have been very blessed to have never had these concerns before, but now, they are all I think about. Yesterday for example, Kerry and I were mowing the lawns while the kids played together on the deck. Next thing I see they came out the front to where we were working and Carter has white stuff on his feet and in between his toes.  I went to investigate, only to find what looked like white paint all over the deck. It was silicone.  White Waterproof silicone!! So we then spent the next couple of hours scrubbing the deck with the only thing that would get it off, a steal brush, which evidently takes off some of the deck paint with it!! So now we have the task of trying to fix it up which may very well be painting the entire deck!!

All that said and done, it is so nice to have our own space again after so long. We could never express how grateful we are to our family that opened up their home to our family of five for the last five months. We could not have done any of this without their love a support.

Our first week in our house was a tough one for me. Having our own place to live and now all of our belongings here too made the move to Cowra feel all the more real. Not having the constant company of my aunt and her kids I felt like I had lost a safety net and I was out on my own to find my own place here in Cowra and I was lonely.

My husband and kids are so happy here and were so busy being happy didn't realize how unhappy I was. I felt alone.

I finally found the opportunity to open up to my husband who was apologetic and sympathetic. He gave me a blessing and helped me work through my feelings.

Even though I was experiencing this unhappiness, I know that my husband and I made the right choice to move here. There are several things that testify to me of that.

So, I decided to try harder to find my happy here in Cowra. I have started running which is a complete surprise because I really hate running. But I started for two reasons.  The first being I believe it will help me stay on track with my weight loss goals and second to help me get out there and meet people. So far it is going great (except for that one time I saw a snake! ) it's actually kind of fun.

Taylah and Mathias started school last week. Taylah got the teacher she was hoping for and I don't know much about Mathias teacher yet but haven't had any complaints yet.

Carter went to preschool for the very first time last week and I felt like my heart was being ripped from me! I found it so difficult to leave him. Carter on the other hand didn't flinch. He got straight into playing and loved it. We are trying to toilet train him at the moment which he is not showing any interest in at all but we'll keep trying.

Mum and sariah have found a house to rent in Orange. I'm excited to have my mum much closer than I thought I would.

I'm also excited (and a little jealous) my oldest sister and her family have purchased a home south of Sydney .

It's going to be another excited year ahead :)