Thoughts from 4 AM

4 am on Sunday morning and I can't sleep!

Not because I don't want to (right now there's nothing else I'd rather be doing) It's just not happening.

I feel anxiety and the tiredness I had when I actually went to bed at 12 am is long gone.

Yesterday (Saturday 25th Jan 2014) was an important day for me. I went to the doctors. 

Something I've been avoiding. I thought "how do I tell someone I'm sick, but you can't see it?" not through my physical appearance anyway. When I'm out I put up a shield, I fix my hair and put on a smile and show the world what they want to see. Most times I do this so well, I even convince myself.

It felt weird going to the doctor. A voice in my head is laughing and saying 'what are you doing! you don't need this there is nothing wrong with you, and if there is, why can't I see it.' I'm not coughing, I don't have a fever and I'm not struggling to breath. 

Afterwards I felt strange, but looking back now, relieved. That the doctor I saw treated my ailment like any other. As if I had walked in and said 'I have a fever' but I didn't, I walked in and said {very nervously} 'I'm pretty sure I have depression'

2014 It's my year...

Since becoming a mum, my whole world is about and for my kids. And the more kids I've had, the more of me it takes/demands. I Love my kids to no end, and I couldn't imagine or want my life to be anything other than what it is. That doesn't change the very real fact that it is Hard! and sometimes, in a quiet moment of the night while they sleep, after I clean up the messes of the day, knowing full well they will be made again tomorrow, I enjoy something for myself.

Weather it's simply putting my feet up and surfing the Internet, watching a movie or TV show, enjoying a hot chocolate or another sweet treat without interruptions of screams, tears or whinging, it reminds me I'm still here, me, not just the mum, but me.

I am a mum who enjoys a few years gap between my kids, I like to enjoy each baby, being my baby for as long as they let me. And when I feel ready physically and emotionally to take on the responsibility of nurturing another sweet baby, that is when I will have one.

Each of my children have challenged my mothering skills, tested and expanded them. I knew I needed a bigger break than the first. So, Carter was born three years after Mathias. This has been a wonderful gap between them.

Having three kids has been a real challenge to adjust to. I finally feel like I can handle the three of them. But I knew that I needed another big break so I had the Implanon put in my arm which lasts for three years.

This March will be two years since having it in so I have another year before it has to come out. Also, Mathias starts school this year so it is just Carter and I at home.

All of that was my long winded way of saying... 2014... It's my year! My year to do a little bit more for myself. I have quite a few goals this year but two that stand out.

1. Become and Australian Citizen
2. Become healthier and fitter

With just one at home I feel like the second is much much more achievable for me this year (although I could be very wrong!)

What are your goals this year? and please tell me, what are your tips and tricks for staying sane!

30 Rock

Last weekend my sister entered the 'dirty thirties!'

Sadly I wasn't able to join her on the weekend away, but it's made me think about our years growing up together. The lives we are leading and the kind of people we are today.

She and I have not always been close. But in recent years our relationship has grown so beautifully and is one I value most dearly. She is wise beyond her mere 30 years and I often need a dictionary when ever we talk.

I admire her strength, her courage and her faith.

Happy 30th Sariah! I love you so very much.

1D...

And you ROCK!

i Can't believe my son starts School soon!

Mathias is starting school this year! in about two weeks. It's so crazy looking back at photos of when he was just a tiny little baby, and now he's a real little boy!

He is my 'Home boy' he hates being away from home on his own and prefers his own bed to any other. It breaks my heart to see him break down if we leave him anywhere, I know it doesn't last, but his cries pierce my heart. I think he will have some separation anxiety when he starts school, but I know he will love his time there. He loves being around other kids, running, playing and being active and social. He's progressed a fair bit in the last six months with starting to try and write and hearing his speech improve.

We brought his school shoes last week from Athletes Foot, I don't think I'll buy school shoes anywhere else now. He's so happy with his shoes he's been wearing them ever since we got them, alternating between his formal black school shoes and his sports shoes!

He is such and fun loving kid, he gets very upset and frustrated when things get too serious.

His laugh is one of my favorite sounds EVER!

I think I have depression...

Actually, I know I do, it's just really hard and kind of weird to say it and put myself out there. Over the last couple of months I have felt it sneak into my body and kill a whole lot of my joy and happiness. Days can be stressful and a real struggle to cope with what my life demands leaving me feeling trapped and miserable. Making it difficult to feel any happiness with my husband and kids. I feel broken and empty inside and very very alone. Not knowing how to 'fix this'.

I've also been struggling with issues. Issues that I try with all my might to hide away but it has become more and more evident to me, that these issues are leaking. They affect my marriage, my feelings about my children, and various relationships within my life.

I know the next step I need to take. But it scares me.

I know I can't 'fix' this on my own.

And I know I don't want to live my life feeling this way.

Goodbye 2013 and Hello New Year!

2013 has been a tough one for us, but I always try to be mindful that there are many people who have much less than I do. So I try to be grateful for what I do have.

I have a hard working husband who is still madly in love with me, and our kids. I have a place to call home, that is mine, if I want to paint a wall, I paint it, and if I want to drill 5 holes in the walls to hang Christmas stockings, I don't have to ask permission. I have three very happy and very healthy kids who have never been to the ER {that's a miracle in itself}. 

I have many hopes for 2014, there is a lot that I need to do. 

This New Years Eve we went to our local community event which ended at 9 pm with a fireworks display. The kids absolutely loved the fireworks! 

Christmas 2013

This Christmas we spent in Cowra. We almost didn't make it, but I am so glad we did.

We arrived in Cowra on Monday (23rd Dec) afternoon, and that evening after dinner we drove around to six members homes to sing some carols. 12 kids, 9 adults and four cars we went from one house to the next, repeating the same four carols and spreading the Christmas spirit.

The next day (Christmas eve) more of our family arrived, taking out count up to 17 kids and 11 adults. The tent was set up for all the kids to sleep in on Christmas eve, and the table was made and decorated to fit all of us.

After our beautiful dinner we exchanged gifts which is always a buzz of excitement, then settled all the kids to sleep out in the tent.

Christmas morning we went to a nursing home to sing carols. Played our gift exchange game.

Later that night we traveled back to Sydney.

There are so many things I love about Christmas. I felt like this Christmas I really got to enjoy this beautiful country I call home. As we ate our Christmas eve dinner outside I watched as the sky shone shades of red and orange I've never seen before, it was breathtaking and beautiful. It reminded me how grateful I am to live in such a beautiful country.

I love spending time with my family. I love that the children in our family are grateful for anything and all they receive weather it be big or small.

I love spending time in my Nanas room. scanning over all the photos she has even though I've seen them many times before. There is so much comfort and love there.

I love living in Sydney I feel like this is home. I feel very lucky to be able to experience and enjoy Cowra, and the beautiful and peaceful lifestyle there.