Dr Pav

I had a routine Dr appointment today and because of the warm weather I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Dr Pav took one look at my skin then phone the Dermatologist right there. Under the Dermatologist instructions he gave me a prescription to start a drug called Methotrexate and Folic acid to start on Monday12th. I'm a bit down about it because in an ideal world it's not the treatment I want. I believe these drugs will only treat the symptom and not help my body heal but rather suppress my immune system and risk a long list of possible side effects. They could hurt me more than it's worth. But what I'm living with currently, I'm resorting to this. I'm ready to risk it. because I'm finding it so very very hard to deal with. So now I will put my trust in my Dr. I do trust Dr Pav and I'm so grateful I have a really good Doctor. Tonight I was trying to think of which parts of my body are clear and there's not much of it. The inside of my legs seem relatively clear, my feet, my breasts and décolletage, most of my neck and my hands. the inside of my arms are mostly clear but it is starting to show signs of spreading there. Oh well...here goes nothing!

Skin on Fire

 It's 3.30am and I most definitely should be asleep but I haven't been able to get to sleep. When I go to bed I scratch and scratch and scratch and no matter how well I know that it is so very bad for me, I can't help it. I can't stop and now my skin is on fire. It's astounding seeing how much skin I scratch off my body, day in, day out. I did get to a place where it wasn't so bad, but about 3 weeks ago I tried a different probiotic, going off the one that gave me so much relief and my skin regressed back to super painful and debilitating, it's amazing how quickly we forget pain, but when it came back it I remember how miserable it is, how miserable I am with it. so Last week I used steroid creams and ointments to settle get some relief quickly but I don't like to use steroid products too much as I know my skin can become dependant on it and come back worse. So I only used it for last week. It works so quickly to provide relief. but this week it's sore again. I ended up cancelling the appointment I had with the dermatologist last month, it was not a quick or easy decision, but it did not take long for me to regret canceling it so I feel pretty stupid about that. I've made a new appointment but in Sydney because there is now a 6 month wait in Orange and only 3 month wait in Sydney. I really just want to get my skin under control, it's so bloody itchy and so flipping painful, what was I thinking canceling?! 

What is this teaching me? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to that.

School Holidays, warmer weather

 It's school holidays at the moment and it's going ok so far. The upside, the kids look after Oakley so I can sleep. The downside, I know I'm taking advantage of that and have been sleeping/staying in bed until after 12pm. Tomorrow is a public holiday so Kerry is home, then Tuesday and Wednesday are his last days working at Kelso Electrical. Thursday Kerry and I are going to see Phantom of the Opera at the Sydney Opera house, Then Friday and Saturday Kerry and Taylah are going to spend the weekend together to give them an opportunity to connect with each other, while me and the boys stay at Camillas for the weekend. We'll come home on Sunday, but leave Kerry there because his first 4 days with Enacon he is doing training in Sydney. $12,000 worth of training they are investing in him! it's a pretty amazing opportunity, he feels like an apprentice all over again, but super excited to get into all this new area of electrical. 

We took the kids to the swimming pools on Friday and I took Oakley swimming and he absolutely loved it! He is so freaking cute. It was a little uncomfortable bearing my skin, but I did it anyway. I was taken back a little when one of Micahs little friends asked me 'what happened to my skin?' little kids are so sweet and so innocent I don't mind the question, I just hadn't thought of what I might reply, so I just smiled at him and he floated away.

I've been on the probiotic for 4 and a half weeks now and having acupuncture treatments every Saturday for 10 weeks now. I think the probiotic has given me the most relief, now I'm really considering opting out of seeking modern medicine and attempt to heal my body primarily through diet and lifestyle changes. It will be hard, but I think the benefit to my overall health and wellbeing would be huge and I know the modern medicine path leads to one solution, a biologic medication to suppress my immune system and expose my body to other possible side effects all the while not treating the root cause of the problem. I 100% believe my body to designed to heal itself, I just need to try and give my body fuel to strengthen it's innate function to fight my disease rather than continue to eat foods that feed it. And it seems counter productive to get medication to treat the symptom and continue the diet that feeds the disease. All that said, I'm not going to rush and cancel my appointment with the dermatologist, it's still a month away. I'll just use this time to try and implement the diet changes. I'd really like to start doing inferred sauna treatment but I don't think I can afford it on top of the acupuncture treatments too, I may just need to stop the acupuncture while I try inferred sauna treatments. 

New Job & Psoriasis saga

 Kerry got a new job, he starts in three weeks. It's for a company called Enacon and they deal primarily in high voltage which Kerry has always had an interest in so it's a pretty exciting opportunity for him, I'm so happy for him. He's been really unhappy at Kelso electrical for some time now so this is a great change for him with  so many more opportunities for him to further his career. 

After work tonight I had a long hot shower - I haven't been having hot showers because they're not great for my skin but tonight I thought, it hurts either way so stuff it, I turned the heat up and it. was. good. pre-skin blow up I loved me a good piping hot shower to comfort the body and soul. When I got out of the shower, and hugged the towel on my body, I gave myself a hug. I thought.. you deserve a hug, some comfort, some love because you deal with a lot and you are doing the best you can and that is amazing work. it's not easy to love my body, but in that moment I thought, I love you. If I was someone else looking at me, I would be like dam she's awesome. weird I know, but I think I must have needed it. psoriasis is spreading to my face, I can see it and feel it. the weather is warming up and I'm so scared to show my skin. I don't know if I'll be able to bring myself to go to a swimming pool and swim with the kids. I'm afraid my skin will freak other people out. I think I could handle a beach or something like that, but a swimming pool scares me. 

I started taking a probiotic just over two weeks ago and it's helping a bit. my skin has not been so itchy which is huge for me. but, now I keep picking it like crazy. it feels like OCD. It's surreal, the urge to pick all the flakes and bumps off so it feels smooth, but it doesn't make sense because I'm creating wounds and causing my skin to bleed and exposing raw flesh that essentially feels like a burn, but I keep picking and picking until my whole body feels like it's on fire and my hands a covered in blood I can smell the iron in my blood on my hands. when it stops bleeding the wounds weep and stick to my clothes, and it hurts. but I keep doing it, I keep picking. I wish I could just leave it alone and I don't know why I can't. I've got to try and find ways to deter me from picking my skin. 

Here we go again...

 3 months ago I caught Taylah out and discovered she had been stealing money from her work, she doesn't know how much exactly but it's most likely in the hundreds. I was at a loss and conflicted as to what to do. What I eventually decided was to not turn her in and to give her a chance to stop and change her behaviour. 

Tonight I'm at even more of a loss as I have caught her out again. The first time she did it, Kerry would have taken her straight to her boss to confess, but he let me make the decision to not do that. I think I'm possibly taking away his right to parent Taylah in this case because I believe he is too hard on her and has a very poor connection with her and I wish that it was better. I try to stay out of their relationship, but I find it difficult to when I feel like what I'm seeing is a 15 year old daughter desperately longing for a closer connection with her dad - especially as day in and out she sees the easy connection he has with Mathias - and then the sometimes hostile arguments that they get into. It breaks my heart and Kerry know this, I think that is why he lets me take the lead on this one but still feels like he doesn't get a say.

I know she got off pretty much scott-free last time and was not held accountable. So maybe it's time. This scares me! and I'm scared for her too because I would be even more scared to tell my boss if I were her, but I tried one way and she still reverted.

My other concern is finding out the underlying cause for this behaviour. I feel like possibly talking with a psychologist may help her unpack what may be going on. Why is she stealing money when she has money? I over-look her finances and to a large degree can control it, am I not giving her enough choice and control? I'm trying to teach her to save money, and to not spend all the rest of her money on junk food or just food. Should I stop overlooking her finances and give her complete autonomy of her money? I have no idea what to do.

In other news, I have mild hypertension and have to do more tests to see if there is an underlying cause for the rise in my blood pressure. Just another health issue to add to my list. I was pretty down about this when I found out, but I'm feeling better now. pro-active even. I stopped drinking coke cold turkey! which is huge for me haha. I also stopped eating chocolate for 6 days at least then I have a bit, but I'm going to try keep it to a bare minimum.

anyway, I better go, Oakley is crying for a feed X 

Life goes on

For the longest time I thought to myself, life is going relatively smoothly, consistently, but something will always occasionally come around that really challenges us. By us I mean me, or Kerry and me. As much as I don't want my skin to take up too much of my mental space, it is the challenge I'm facing at the moment, plus it is literally the largest organ of my body, there's very little room for escape. I think the hardest thing is the itching, it legit feels like insanity. and when I'm tried and just want to curl up in a nice cosy bed and go to sleep, that is the time it attacks the most. So I scratch and scratch and scratch until I either fall asleep or the skin crawling feeling subsides. It's actually kind of heartbreaking when people say 'stop scratching!' and they just don't understand how badly I want to stop scratching. how badly I'd rather just fall off to sleep and not feel like there's a million tiny bugs crawling around under my skin. I have so many creams for my body to help, they take the edge off, but they'll never give 100% relieve from the symptom, it's too severe and I most people don't know, because they can't see anything wrong with me. I cover most of it, although I now have a lovely little spot right in between my eyes! 

It just sucks. It sucks balls big time. I want to remain positive, generally, but occasionally it hits me hard and I just cry, and cry and cry. 

I know I am so blessed. and I am so very grateful for the miracles my body has done, and how hard it continues to work to support me and my full on life. I know I so very blessed I am.

Everyone is pretty good. Kerry hates his job and is really hanging out to leave, but has to wait until Andrew is ready to take him on, but that will happen whenever it happens. Taylah has chosen her yr11-12 subjects. Mathias hates ballet and wants to quit, he's over rugby and wants to stop, I don't mind him quitting things once he's seen his commitment through and given it a good go but he's ready to walk out on both and I'm working on teaching him to honour these things he committed to and telling him repeatedly that he shouldn't quit things just because they get hard or he looses interest. I don't know, he's spoilt, and is always asking for more. He does not realise how blessed he is to be able to do as much as he does and I think he takes it for granted, but I think that is probably our own doing (as his parents) that's the tricky thing, figuring out how to teach all the important things.

Carter and Micah are good. They are so flipping cute, especially together. Oakley is not wasting anytime growing up either. He's 7 months now, 2 teeth, sitting up on his own, not crawling yet. in the process of learning to sleep in his own cot. hates it when I'm not around. still primarily breastfed, he has a bottle of formula once a day when I go to work. still wakes up a few times through the night. 

I work usually 5 nights a week. great for paying the bills. sucks being away from home in the evenings. We just did our tax return for this year which we're using to go over to Perth for Christmas with Kerry's brother. It pretty much pays for just our flights so I have to figure out the rest. Kerry is so excited, and Paul. I'm sure it will all work out and the kids will have a great time. 

 

my psoriasis

 The kids are back at school today and it feels great! I always welcome school holidays by the time they roll around, but by the end of it I'm itching to get the routine and structure back that comes with the kids going to school each morning.

I have a dentist appointment in about 30mins and I can feel my body starting to get anxious so I'm trying to distract myself.

My skin has been occupying a lot of my space lately and I'm so ready for that to change. I have been really resisting the thoughts and feelings I was having about my skin, practically denying that they were there, but I finally reconciled myself with them, allowing myself to feel the feelings and I feel much better for it.

I hate my skin, it is ugly and gross and painful. I was avoiding these thoughts because I don't think it's good to dwell in self-pity. But I've realised allowing the feeling is not dwelling, so I've been giving myself permission to feel this way for the last week or two, and now feel ready to try embrace some new more constructive thoughts that will serve me better. and as far as treating my skin, I'm trying a variety of creams, ointments and cleansers to help curb the symptoms and I have made the appointment to return to my dermatologist - the earliest available is 3 months from now so I have a bit of a wait.

It has been getting worse very quickly and I have been really struggling with it. It gets so itchy, and so sore and I find it so hard not to scratch and pick it. Kerry can hardly touch my body anymore, and when he does I wince through the pain. I feel so much better since really acknowledging those thoughts and feelings and now I feel like I've given it the space it needed and it's time to move forward.

End of Term 2 2022

 It is now officially school holidays even though Mathias holidays started a week ago, the official term ended yesterday. This week has been good. The big benefit for me, having one of my big kids home is having someone to help look after Oakley. He has been teething, he has cut his first two bottom teeth last weekend, but he's still a bit miserable for no apparent reason sometimes, we can only guess that it's teething. So I've been pretty tired, I'm always tired, but it makes me a bit extra tired because he usually sleeps with me, and I usually don't sleep as well when I have a kids with me. Add teething to that,  equals crap sleep. I typically work 5 nights a week now too, so Kerry and I barely see each other because he get home, and I go to work. So when I do get home just after 11pm that's the only time I get to see him so we'll usually watch an episode or two of a tv show. I'm not complaining, not at all. Part of me wishes I didn't have to work, but another part of me enjoys the 'alone time' I get when I do go to work. Everything in life generally comes with good parts and bad parts and I choose to be here for it all. I love the life I've created, my family is my everything, and the little things I enjoy for myself on the side of that. 

I did have a scare last Sunday night. We had eaten dinner, I made a yummy roast pork! then I ran a bath for Micah. Once he was in the bath, I made sure he cleaned his body and then my stomach started to get sore like I needed to go to the toilet. So while he was bathing I went to the toilet. The stomach pain comes in waves, and it turned into the diarrhoea as I stayed on the toilet. I gradually started to feel drained, it feels like I'm being drained of every ounce of energy and blood. I told Micah to call for Kerry and he took one look at me and knew what was happening. I loose all colour and turn stark white. I feel hot and sweat, a lot, it seems to pour out of me and I am incredibly helpless I can't even hold myself up and really have to muster up what little strength I'm left with to talk to Kerry, if I can. I'm scared, and helpless, and I can hear in Kerry's voice he's scared. There were a couple things that felt slightly different about this episode. It came on gradually, in the past it happens a lot quicker. It also seemed to last longer, all up it was about 30-40 minutes, and when it did pass/finish, I recovered strength a bit quicker. Granted it still takes a bit out of me and I spent the whole next day in bed, after it had passed I was able to sit up and talk relatively normal again. In the past I've had to get straight into bed because I don't have the strength to do anything else yet.

It scares me. what scares me most is that it could happen when Kerry's not here or able to get to me quickly. But there's quite literally nothing we can do. It doesn't happen often or consistently enough to do anything, and from what I've read there's still not really anything Drs do about it either. 

Anyway, today's been good, Micah and Carter had their soccer games both at 10am this morning. Kerry too Oakley this afternoon so I had an amazing nap by myself. best. sleeps. ever. I do have work tonight but it's 3.5hrs so it's not too bad and I have tomorrow night off. 

Mathias is going away for a week tomorrow with his friends family. They have a holiday unit on the south coast which they invited him to go with them. The second week of holidays he has his dance workshops everyday.

I'm taking Carter and Micah to the movies on Wednesday and I've booked in for us to go ice skating at the Bathurst winter festive next Saturday which should be fun.

Micah Turns Six

 Last week Micah had his 6th Birthday and he was very spoilt. It was on a school day so I got Kerry to give him one of his presents before he went to work which was an Oodie (hooded blanket) he looks so cute in it. He happily went off to school with cupcakes to share with his whole class. After school I skipped soccer training, I rented a movie called Bad Guys on Apple TV to watch, and his dinner request was KFC so that's what we got. I didn't work that night so it was really nice to just be home. 

The Greenings arrived on Friday afternoon to stay for the weekend and he got so many presents from Camilla. On Saturday Carter and Micah had their soccer games and Mathias had a rugby game then three of Micahs school friends came over for his birthday party. I really hate 'school friends' birthday parties, especially little kids, it's just crazy. I'm glad we only had three friends, it was still crazy, they were just running around everywhere like little mice backwards and forwards, side to side, with nerf guns shooting bullets. Anyway, Micah had fun and that's what he wanted and that's all I care about. 

Oakley is defiantly on the mend now which is so great. I did get sick, not too bad I think. I felt incredibly run down, physically and mentally. I had my regular check-in appointment with my Dr on Monday and gosh, in that appointment the niggling feelings that had been beneath the surface for the last couple weeks came up, it was the pause and the check-in to actually acknowledge that I was feeling so overwhelmed and struggling to keep up with all my responsibilities and things I need and want to do. I know I have a lot on my plate all the time, it's pretty much a given with a growing young family of seven to organise and work. I felt like I couldn't breath. It's surprising, and I guess it shouldn't be by now, but since Monday I've been feeling a bit better emotionally. When I got home from my Dr appointment I Phoned Kerry and broke down and told him everything about where I was at emotionally, just so that he knows and is aware. And I do feel better expressing those feelings that I hadn't given the time to pause and process. I knew they were there, but I just ignored them and went on to the next thing I had to get done. 

Anyhow, I know I have a bit of work to do in taking care of myself there and asking for help. I miss mum, I'm looking forward to her coming home this weekend. I video called Tali and the kids today, they are so flippin' cute! and baby Ralph is just so so so precious. ahh they grow so freaking fast in the first 12 months, it's a bitter sweet... ok mostly sweet, but I just wish it could last longer Oakley is nearly six months now, what the heck! Crazy crazy

Spent

 So I have this app on my phone that Sariah got me on, that prompts me to check-in three times a day (I rarely do it three times a day, it's just the goal) the other day I was looking through the range of feelings to select from and I was trying to find 'exhausted' haha but I couldn't find it. I did find one called 'spent' which turns out, is pretty much the exact same thing. in the app it is described as feeling extremely exhausted, both in body and in mind. so yeah, that pretty much sums up the last week for me! It's a trip! Oh and it's FREEZING! but I've re-discovered the genius of hot. water. bottles!! seriously, so freaking good! I'm in love with mine. ok ok so I'll try my best to re-cap the last week, but remember I'm spent, so if it doesn't make any sense at all, that's why. I literally got pulled over at an RBT on Monday and the police man was like, are you alright? are you tired? and I was like ...ahhh ahhhh, no, I'm not tired...mum brain! hahahaha 

sick kids. Last week started with Carter and Mathias. Mathias was find after one day off school on the Monday, then he was back into it but Carter got a congested sounding cough and high temperatures and a sore throat some nausea but no vomiting. I took him to the DR who did a PCR on him which came back positive for Influenza A, one of the more sever strands. so the order was pretty much what we were already doing, rest, keep fluids up, soft foods, and paracetamol. Thursday Micahs cough started to sound more like Carters and he was waking up in the night screaming with a sore throat. so Thursday and Friday Micah was home as well. This was all on top of the usual running around, and working. Saturday, I was SMASHED! I was so tired I had a sore head and nausea which progressively got worse throughout the day. but I had a lot I wanted to get done so I took paracetamol which took the edge off, and laid down to sneak in a rest when I felt I could. Sunday, Kerry worked so I just planned to spend the entire day in bed, which I did, and it was soooo needed, even most of Monday I was resting too and I started cold and flu tablets just incase, because you know, mums can not get sick! but Monday, the inevitable happened and Oakley started with the same congested sounding cough and high temperatures. by Tuesday he was miserable, I am certain he has the flu from Carter, I took him to the DR who checked him over, and sent us to the emergency department to get checked over again too. Oakley and I were there from 5-9pm. I took him to the DR yesterday and were going again this afternoon just to check in, and monitor him closely. I think he has turned a corner and is over the worst of it, finders, legs and toes crossed. 

AND It's Micahs birthday today. He asked me to make cupcakes for him to take to school, so I brought a packet mix yesterday, got called into work 6-11pm so made them when I got home and set up some Happy Birthday decorations for him. I love making an effort to make his day special. Got up this morning and made him pancakes and ice cream for breakfast. Kerry gave him a birthday present, his Oodie which he absolutely loves, but then was like ' ok, next!? where are more presents?' 🙄 of course I have more presents but I was like, the nerve! haha anyway, Oakley is having such a great sleep, he's been asleep for over two hours, I would 100% be there with him but a friend was stopping by to drop off some sausages he made and the house looked like a dump, so I cleaned while I waited for my friend to come by. then, here I am lol. 

Spent.

First day of Winter

 Winter is officially here and it's pretty darn cold. 

Taylah has been in New Zealand for 1 week now and it looks and sounds like she's having an awesome holiday meeting so many family members and seeing some of New Zealands beautiful places and of course eating all the yummy NZ foods. She comes home this Saturday and as much as I'm excited for her to be on this holiday, I miss her and can't wait to have her home again. 

We took the boys into the city on Friday night for the opening night of Vivid. The Greenings came too. It is so cool to take them into the city and the lights are pretty awesome to see. I absolutely love Sydney and going there brings back many fond memories. We got back home at 3am so Saturday I slept in, Mathias had a rugby game in Sydney so was on the school bus by 7.30am and didn't get home until about 8pm he was so very tired. Carter went to a friends birthday party while I took Micah to his soccer game. He scored 3 goals and got player of the week along with a $5 voucher for Annies Ice Cream so I took him straight there before we picked Carter up and came home.

Monday I took my car in for a service and rego check and it failed. We have to get two new Tyers and replace the windscreen before they'll pass it which will cost about $900 😢 so that's been a bit stressful. I also went to my dentist on Friday for a consultation, I go back to her tomorrow, she's going to repair the tooth that has broken off my plate, I just hope it works and stays on there. 

Mathias is dancing in the Dubbo eisteddfod this Sunday and I missed out on tickets to it so I'm hoping he can get a ride with someone from his dance class. We were also meant to be going to Gosford next weekend for NSW Country Basketball Comp but we're not going to anymore, We've asked someone from the team to take Mathias. Kind of dumb, but it's gotta be done.

Oakley is going through a phase at the moment, he only likes to sleep in our bed, with me. It's hard to get him to sleep and to stay asleep unless I have him sleep with me. I don't mind him sleeping with me for the most part, I love it. however, I don't sleep as well because it's a little more uncomfortable for me and when I'm lying down to sleep with him during the days and at night, my shoulders and arms get sore/stiff so I just need a break. I can hardly believe how fast he is growing and how big he is getting. next week he will hit 5 months old!

Work is going well, I'm back into it and enjoying it as much as I can. I actually don't mind just doing the 3-3.5hr shifts because it reduces the time I'm away from Oakley. He is getting much better with taking a bottle if he needs one while I'm working. At first he was very confused by it, but now he's doing great, and still breastfeeding really well too.

It's Micahs birthday this month and he wants a birthday party with some friends from school, so of course, I will do it for him. I hate birthday parties with school kids with a passion and in my 15.5 years of being a mother, have never thrown one so I guess that's not too bad. He is so super excited for his birthday, he's been waiting at least 6 months for it, counting down the days...literally. He's having three friends over, so now I need to figure out what to do with them!? He really wants to play pass-the-parcel because there's a Bluey episode about it. I don't know what else haha I was thinking maybe a nerf gun fight because that's one of the things he's getting for his birthday, and the boys play it often. I'm just a little weary that other 5-6 year-olds may not play gun games like mine does. I don't know, guess I'll figure it out.  

Return to work

 I started back at work on Monday, a day was not looking forward to at all. It was a bit emotional for me leaving Oakley but it was just a short 3.5hr shift so it wasn't too bad. but as soon as I started working it felt like I had never left. It was gross. I had five months off work and it was such a good break from it. I got the centrelink parental leave pay which is the same payment that I got when Carter was born. It is such a good one and I'm so grateful for the time it allowed me to take off work and be home with Oakley, but now that is finished we still need my income to cover some of our expenses. 

The second and third shifts back at work were better. It's proving to be more of an adjustment for Kerry as he is left to 'hold down the fort' while I go to work. Tonight for example, I worked 6-11pm, Mathias had Ballet 6.30-7.30 and Taylah worked 7-10pm So Kerry had to drop me off at work then drop Mathias off to ballet then drop Taylah off at work then 7.15 pick up pizza from Dominos for dinner then pick Mathias up from ballet. Come home, feed the kids - feed Oakley a bottle somewhere in amongst all the running around - get the boys to bed while trying to look after the baby at the same time. By 9.30 Oakley's tired and ready to go to sleep. 10pm leave three boys asleep at home but take the baby with him to pick Taylah up from work. put the baby back to bed. get Taylah to bed but tell her to keep a listen out for Oakley while 11pm he picks me up from work. hahahaha he got a little taste of my job as Mum hahaha and a lot more appreciation for everything I do to. So funny, but that's life with our growing family. It's full on. and it's great!

This weekend Taylah and Mathias will be going to the temple to do youth baptisms on Saturday morning, the Sullivans are taking them and leaving me their new puppy to look after. Micah has his soccer game in the afternoon and then we'll be going to Cowra for the night because Mathias is performing in the eisteddfod there. He is in a Saturday evening session and two sessions on Sunday, then we'll come home.

Monday I'm taking Taylah to an appointment with a ENT to check her ears. Last year she had multiple ear infections that seemed to never clear up completely even after antibiotics. We got a hearing test and both ears were showing a deficit so we've been waiting to see an ENT to investigate it further. I worry about her hearing and the possibility of it worsening and I can't help but feel guilty like I didn't do enough, soon enough to possibly prevent such a deficit. But I know I'm totally doing that to myself and we will figure this out as we go.

Then next Wednesday Taylah flys out to New Zealand with Mum and Nana Stevie which is pretty exciting.

Being the parent

Gosh being a good parent is hard. Knowing what to do in any situation is hard. But time to reflect and think upon these difficult decisions helps me find a bit more clarity. Seeking advice from various sources also helps me gain possibly another perspective and again, a bit more clarity. If anything, being a mother presents me with an abundance of opportunities to decide what kind of person, what kind of mother I truly want to be. How can I be a better guide, teacher, mentor, example to my children. Being a parent is very much a refining process, not for the children, but for me. Isn’t that ironic.

I want to be kind. I want to let love and compassion guide my decisions. In my

Parenting dilemmas I often think about how my Heavenly Parents would teach me. I don’t ever imagine them scolding me, or being harsh. They give me freedom to make my own decisions appropriate to my stage of life. They hope I will make good ones. They allow me to find my own way, and are with me every step of the way through the highs and the lows, even if they don't agree, they never leave me. It does not mean they let me get away with doing the wrong thing, consequences always catch up with us eventually. They are gentle. And they always lead with love and compassion for each and every one of their children.

Kerry and I don’t always agree. We have different ways of parenting, different ways of dealing with things, and that is perfectly normal and ok. 

Schools Back - Term 2

I got back to work soon! next week is my last week off, then it's back at work. I'm not looking forward to going back, I don't want to leave Oakley but I know we'll both be ok and adapt just fine. I am a little concerned with not getting enough hours aka money each week to cover the expenses my pay covers, but somehow I seem to have a very quiet reassurance that no matter what happens, we'll be ok.

Kids are all back at school and Taylah started term 2 at a new school. We moved her from Mackillop to Bathurst High. It took us a long time to come to that decision, and I was super nervous about it, but it all seems to be going really well. She says everyone is nice, students and teachers, and she's excited to be doing photography and food tech. She is going to New Zealand in a couple of weeks with Mum and Nana. I'm so excited for her to see the country and meet a few of my aunts and uncles. 

Mathias had his first rugby game last Saturday which he really loved, it was also my first game watching, well, actually trying to watch and follow along. I always love watching Mathias, I'm not sure what it is but no matter what he is doing I love watching him. We gave him his mobile phone about 3 weeks ago, again, I was nervous to be having two teenagers now with mobile phones to keep tabs on, but he has really impressed me with how he has been with it. Him and Taylah are so very different, polar opposites! Both have their own strengths and weaknesses, but both as special and as loved as each other. 

Micah has been really really bratty lately, I think since returning to school. I guess he is going through a testing period where he's pushing and testing boundaries, especially which ones he can get away with. A few more tantrums these days, lots of screaming and threatening all his older siblings, even being a bit extra defiant with Kerry and I. I'm sure he'll settle down at some point, these stages can be challenging for both us as his parents and him, I know it's all just normal development happening. I just need to make sure he doesn't hurt himself in the process haha and of course, help guide him through it.

And I can't forget my quirky Carter! he's going through a heightened sensitive phase and he can get real cheeky, I must admit it tests my patience, I really have to draw on a higher source to give me a bit of extra patience with him, but I'm pretty sure I went through this with each of his older siblings, they all have their moments. He is such a sweetheart though, I look forward to watching him come into his own.

Then there's my little love Oakley. I honestly don't know what we did without him. He is so freaking yummy! it's no wonder I don't get much done during the school hours, I just want to soak him up as much as I can and savour every moment. He really could not be more perfect. I do wish I could have lots more babies and maybe in the next life, but I'm pretty sure he is my last one here, and I am just loving every bit of him.

Last weekend Kez and I went to a Six60 concert which was fun. way too many people for my liking, but it's not something we do much, ever. Good music though so I enjoyed it. Then Saturday night we went over to Cowra for dinner at the Sullivan's' for Jemima's 21st. Sunday I spend recovering haha Honestly our weekends are all crazy full on, they are exhausting and not likely to ease up for quite some years I'd say, but, I love it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I've been good. No major changes in my mood/feelings, I do feel an underlying anxiousness every now and then, but nothing too bad. I got my period too, not that I was overly worried about it not returning since having Oakley, but I had talked to my Doctor about it and he wanted to do a blood test to check my hormone levels and everything, but then I got it, so I didn't bother going to get the blood test.

Anyway, life is going on as usual. More bills and expenses than we can keep up with, but we always manage to find a way through. We are so very blessed, more than we know I imagine.

School Holidays week 2

 I'm actually looking forward to the kids going back to school now. I was enjoying it, and I do, but I don't like the lack of routine during the holidays. Plus I really enjoy those 6 hours where it's just me and Oakley. 

Easter long weekend was great, but exhausting, Tuesday I spent most of the day in bed just recovering! when I did get up about lunch time I took the boys to the playground to get them outside and off their games. After that I took the to the swimming pools, Micah has swimming lessons so we went early so they could all have a swim, Taylah even came! then straight after swimming we took Carter over to Eggo for soccer practice and got to video call with Tali and the kids to wish Elise happy birthday. 

Wednesday was Ava-Ruby's 16th birthday! so we called to wish her a happy birthday, and Thursday was Linda's birthday! I love how many birthdays we have in April, still a few more to go.

Mathias had a basketball game on Thursday against a Penrith team who were having a development day, Mathias played so well, they were beating them by quite a lot so the kept telling him to ease up, but I'm not sure he knows how to yet so they rested him, he plays hard when he want to! he's such a talented kid..man..child haha 

We gave Taylah and Mathias both their phones back on Monday which is kind of scary to have to keep tabs on two teenagers on phones! I really hope I can take lessons learned from Taylah having a phone to better teach Mathias. I make sure they all know that no topic is too scary for us to talk about, Kerry gets a bit thrown off at time about how openly I will talk with the kids but things like sex, pornography, smoking, drinking, vaping, periods, objectification, gender identity, gospel questions, money, shamming, anything! I will talk about with them openly, I feel like if I don't discuss these topic with them, someone else will of they'll gather their own information from less desirable sources. I'd much rather teach them, home, is the safest place they can talk about anything.

It's ANZAC day this Monday, so we are going to go spend it at Mums house in Orange. As much as I hate early morning wake ups, I think it is so important my kids learn how important ANZAC day is. So we try to attend a dawn service every year. Then we have a yummy breakfast afterwards.

The kids go back to school on Tuesday or Wednesday...not sure 

Easter weekend and my 37th Birthday

 It's my 37th Birthday today, and I've had a great day at home with my family. Kerry went out in the morning to get things for lunch and came home with one of my fave hot drinks, a coco-mocha-nut. Mum and Sariah came over for lunch and Kerry made brioche French toast layered with crème fraiche topped with strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, pistachios and maple syrup. It was soooo yummy. One of my birthday requests was that there were no video games today, so we played a card game called Get Rich which is such a fun game (until the teenagers started fighting) then did some karaoke and Just Dance which I really enjoy watching the kids do, they're so much fun.  

As well as being my birthday this weekend is also Easter weekend. Tomorrow we are going to spend the day in Cowra which will be really nice and lots of fun. We are doing a treasure hunt around town for the kids and they get their Easter Pjs at the end. And and Easter egg hunt in the Sullivan's yard. Loads of yummy food, way too much chocolate and the best company.

Oakley is tree months now and my return to work is looming which I'm not super thrilled for. I know I don't work that many hours and it is at night while they're mostly sleeping, but it will still be an adjustment for me. I can't express with words how deeply I treasure having my baby Oakley here. There really is nothing more perfect than a precious tiny baby. My heart just explodes with pure love, being close to him is everything. 

I Love all my babies. Granted it is one of my greatest challenges, I love each of them so very much. They are each so special to me. They have their unique traits and qualities, their own spark that they bring to life. I'm always tired, and sometimes down, but there is no place I'd rather be than right here, fighting for each member of my family, loving each of them, but most of all being the best version of myself for them and for me. 

I'm really loving having the kids home these school holidays. One week down and another week (and a half) to go. We slept over at the Sullivan's on Monday night which was really nice. I caught some great footage of Nana having a chat with Kerry. With each year that passes, the reality of loosing Nana feels closer. So my times with her feel more precious.

General conference weekend

Another full on weekend , but I think they’ll be like this for a very very very long time. Merry worked with Brilly Saturday morning. Carter had a soccer game at 10am which again, I enjoyed watching. Then Micah went to a highly anticipated birthday of his friend Tallis. He had such a good time. 

Sunday I planned a ‘Conference shop’ for the kids, an incentive for them to listen and pay attention to the talks. They would earn ‘conference bucks’ as they reverently shared what they got out of each talk, after every two talks the conference shop opened and they could spend their conference bucks on a very large selection of sweet treats, lolly bags, chocolates, chips, fizzy can, pop tarts, basically loads of high sugar treats. It took us 5 hours to get through the 2 hour Sunday morning session, but they actually paid attention, and we’re able to relay things from the talks we had just listened to. It was a very long and draining day, but it was good. 

Taylah had two ‘teenage tantrums’ this weekend too, Saturday night and Sunday night. Which is always very draining. She managed to make a hole in the wall as she hit it with the palm of her hand in her frustration. I’ve always dreaded the day when my teenage children would start putting holes in walls, either in fun but more so in anger or frustration. I really empathise with my teenagers growing in this world today, it is hard, harder than when I was a teenager I think. But it is definitely equally hard to raise them. It takes so much out of me, mentally, emotionally and physically.  But I will stick by them, no matter what nastiness they throw at me. I will fight for them, to teach them better because I love them more than anything. Above all, I want to teach them with love, kindness , patience and compassion. They way I think our Heavenly Parents teach us. I always want to strive to do better and be better for them. 

First April Weekend

 As expected the Saturday was full on. Carters' soccer game was first at 10am, I actually enjoyed watching him. He's not afraid to get in there to kick the ball, his weakness is that he can get lazy when he starts to feel tired or whatever reason, he'll just stop running. I really hope he keeps enjoying soccer and sticks with the sport, I feel like it will give him the opportunity to learn a bit of grit. 

We had to leave his game a little early before it finished because Carter and Micah had dentist appointments at 11am they both got the thumbs up from the dentist which is always a relief for me. then we very quickly ducked home to have some food, feed Oakley then straight back to the soccer fields for Micahs games at 12pm and 1pm, yeah... he played two games. The first one was for his own team, the second was to help out another U6 team for the same club they play for who were short a few players.

Watching Micah play was hilarious! He has been so super keen and excited to play soccer for so long, and now the moment had finally arrived and he could not contain his excitement and enthusiasim. It was like he had ants in his pants, he was jumping, dancing, skipping, running all over the place rubbing his hands together ready to get straight down to buisness hahaha Hilarious!

We finished off at the soccer fields about 2pm came home again briefly then went to the basketball stadium for Mathias Goldminers game at 3.10pm I really enjoy watching Mathias play, he is talented and skilled. Going into round 3 of the comp, we knew the two games this weekend  would be challenging, and they were. Unfortunatly they lost both games, but I am always more focused on how Mathias plays in the games rather than the outcome and he played really well in both games.

Because Saturday was so full on and his second game was 8am on Sunday morning, we didn't go to church.

It's now Monday night and Kerry is away tonight and tomorrow night. The kids are all in bed so I get a little time for myself. Today was good, I walked Carter and Micah to school then went for my walk. After I got home and fed and played with Oakley, I left the cleaning and cooking and had a really really good sleep with him which always seems to take up the school hours. This evening actually went quite well, granted I am so very lucky to have a 15yo that doesn't mind minding her baby brother while I cook dinner or duck out on a quick errand. So all in all it's been a pretty great day. 

It's Been a while...

 I love writing in my journal, but it just isn't happening as much as I would like these days so maybe I'll give this platform another go. I do use my private Instagram account as a kind of journal which I really love scrolling back and through the photos and videos seeing how much the kids have grown and how freaking cute they were when they were little.

Needless to say ALOT has changed since I last wrote on here, but I'm sure I've written it in my actual journal, so I'm not going to back track here.

Last Friday I went to my Dr appointment, I was meant to see him to get my blood test results but I completely forgot about that because I had been feeling unusually down the last couple of days so I spoke with him about that and wanted to confirm with him what is safe for me to use on my psoriasis. He increased my anti-depressants and said it is likely post-natal depression. I told him I was feeling down and I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way. He assured me that how I was feeling is normal and that I wouldn't find a reason for the feeling. 

I had a good weekend getting some much needed sleep and catch ups with mum and Sariah was so good. 

This week has been good and I think I'm feeling a bit better mood-wise. Kerry took Monday off to stay with me which was nice, we went for a walk and just relaxed. I've been for a walk most days which I always enjoy doing. I put Oakley in the baby carrier and he just sleeps the whole time, he is getting heavy and it takes it's toll on my back a bit, but I love having him so close to me. 

Kerry stayed away overnight last night so it was my first night alone with the five kids! it was full. on. Mathias had rugby training afterschool and has to be picked up at 5, I had a brow wax appointment in Kelso at 6 so I took all the kids and left them in the car while I went in. Then Mathias had Ballet 7-8 and somewhere in there I cooked their dinner, fed them - Micah dropped his dinner all over the ground which I just had to leave until I could get to it - got Mathias home and put them all to bed! I was defeated and the house was trashed!! I think I clocked something like 16,000 steps. I cleaned the food off the ground and put the left-over food away off the bench then slept really really well. Oakley must have known because he was super kind to me and only woke up once at about 2am to be fed.

Kerry is going to stay away Monday and Tuesday night too so yay for me! I'll figure it out, and I'm sure we'll survive.

We have a busy weekend ahead, they're all pretty busy these days. Soccer season starts up tomorrow and Carter and Micah are playing. It's also round 3 of the waratah junior league for Mathias basketball team so he has two games. And Carter and Micah have dentist appointments.

Life is full on and I definitely have plenty of moments in the day where I feel sorry for myself and how tired I am and how much I 'have' to do but really, I love it. I love my family so much, I wanted this beautiful family of mine and now I have it and I couldn't imagine my life any other way that could be better than this.