Let's Make up...

It's been a while, OK it's been AGES since I last blogged so let's make up OK!

just to catch you up  on the last 4 months we decided to make the move to cowra official. We decided to sell our apartment in Sydney. Our apartment sold on the first open home for above our asking price. Kerry was out of work for about 6 weeks. Taylah-benet turned 8 and was baptized. Kerry found a new job in Cowra. The sale of our apartment settled and we walked away with more money than we could have imagined. We paid off all our debts! Went shopping. Christmas happen and was awesome. And I think that's pretty much the big stuff.

We are still living with family and hopefully we'll get into our own place in Cowra soon.

Life in Cowra - day 1

It's only bee a little over 24 hours for me but I've had a great first day. Carter and I went exploring the town of Cowra. We walked into town and on our way spotted a beautiful friendly horse, lots of beautiful trees and birds it was great to get out and get some good old country air.

Once in town we explored the shops finding some great treasures. Like a warm onesie for Carter and some lightening mc queen slippers. Some school shoes on sale for Mc Kay and an interior design book that looked perfect for Sariah.

After strolling around for a few hours we walk home spotting two gorgeous Dalmatians playing in their fenced front yard that came right over to greet Carter and I.

We stopped again to say hello to the horse, this time taking turns patting his nose and laughing as he tried to nibble at our hands.

The weather is cold in the mornings and at night, but during the day the sun is beautiful.

I baked a banana cake for afternoon tea {which was delicious!!}

Taylah and Mathias are loving it here. I'm pretty sure Kerry is too. He's much happier with work which over all make him much happier at home, although I haven't really seen him much. He leaves before I get up and comes home right before I'm ready to go to bed.

One day at a time :)

Making Changes

So we've kind of moved. It all happened really really quickly but I feel it's where we're meant to be, and if it doesn't work out, it'll be a learning experience.

So much happening where do begin!?

Kerry resigned from his job in Sydney and has taken on work with my uncle in Cowra for a couple of weeks. Rather than be apart from Kerry for that time, the five of us have moved in with my uncle and auntie while Kerry works on this job AND back in Sydney my mum and sister will be working on renovations on our apartment.

Big stuff huh!

The Frenchies come downunder

It's been such and awesome last couple of weeks, my Uncle Gordon, his partner Carine and their two children Alana (10) and Jesse (6) are here on holiday. I have meet and spent time with Uncle Gordon and Carine before but this is the first time meeting Alana and Jesse. They live all the way over in France where Carine is from. 

It's kind of exciting to have french cousins and they are so adorable I love listening to them speak in french to their parents.

They spent their first week in Australia seeing the sights in Sydney. Then the second week in Cowra. Kerry and I drove out on the Wednesday night and Thursday we all went to Dubbo Zoo. Saturday we had a family Christmas in July which was so much fun and all the kids loved it. 

We finished the night off with a massive bonfire and toasted marshmallows.

Sunday we all drove home to Sydney.

The third week Uncle Gordon, Carine, Alana, Jesse and Mum went to Carines and they just arrived back in Sydney today.

They will be leaving on Friday which I'm not looking forward to, it will be sad to see them go.

My Calling as Compassionate Service leader

It's been quite some time since I've been here and I could go on about how busy I've been when really, I know I could have made time to sit and write a few lines.

This year has been incredible for me. Words cannot begin to express the range of emotions that have flowed through my life over the last 12 months and the immense gratitude I feel to those who have helped me find my way.

Currently, we are anticipating some fairly big changes. We are planning to renovate our apartment to potentially use the equity to consolidate debt and invest in the hopes to buy a home.

There are plenty of if's, but's and what if's in that plan but learning to take a leap of faith will be an experience in itself.

I am excited. I am happy with where I am at this stage of my life. That's not to say I don't still have a down day here and there, but I'm learning a lot.

A few months ago I was called to serve in my ward as the compassionate service leader. I absolutely love my calling and getting to know the sisters and families in my ward so much more than a passing 'hello' on Sundays as I chase my 2 year old through the hall ways.

I have seen that we all struggle. We all have challenges and no one is exempt from life's trials. I've also seen that we need each other, we need to be there for each other more than just seeing you on a Sunday because we can help one another and often with little effort. A 5 minute phone call can help brighten someone's day because essentially you are saying "Hey, you are in my thoughts and I just want you to know I'm here if you need anything"

I feel greater love for those in my ward and realise this is how it's meant to be. Like family. We don't have to like everyone, but learning to look past someone's faults and our own judgements of them and truly learning to see each and everyone as a child of our Heavenly Father really helps put things in perspective.

I don't feel like it's a calling when I phone members and chat to them, I don't feel like it's a calling when I go visit with them in their homes, help them clean up or help with whatever. It feels like I'm making more friends. Which is kind of funny for me because I've never been one to initiate a chat or conversation with anyone. But I love it, and I love the sisters and members I'm getting to know.

My Trek Experience April 2014 - Part 1

Liverpool Youth Trek April 2014

Last month Kerry and I had the privilege to attend the Liverpool Youth Trek as a Ma' and Pa'. Basically we were asked to play the roll of Ma' (mother) and Pa' (father) to a group of 8 youth who would be assigned to our trek family. We were then required to walk 36 kilometers over the course of three days pulling a hand cart that would carry the luggage of the 10 members of our trek family, cooking supplies and water. As ma' and pa' we were not allowed to pull the hand cart, we were just to overlook and guide the group of youth, encouraging them to work together as a team and lead each other.

The first day was very long and painful. We woke at 4 am, got dressed and made our way to the chapel by 5 am. once everyone arrived and was accounted for we piled onto our assigned buses and left the chapel by 6 am. The location of our trek was a 7 hour drive away but with about 200 people in tow it took about 10 hours. The youth were buzzing with energy so there was very little rest there.

We arrived at about 4 pm. unloaded our luggage, unpacked it then repacked it into hessian sacks, then had to pack our families handcart and start walking. We had an 18 kilometer walk head of us and knew we would be walking well into the night. I was already tired from the bus ride alone!

We started walking by about 5 pm so we didn't have long before the sun light would be gone. Not long into our walking we were confronted by an angry mob. Portrayed by the YSA I was rather shocked at how real they appeared, and considering I was already tired and knew the long journey ahead of us I wanted to cry! My eyes started to tear up as we all watched them drag our trail boss off, beat him, and shoot him dead (all an act of course) we were then instructed that we had to take a different path, to which we hurried along.

There were 12 hand carts in total, three companies each containing 4 families. Kerry and I were the Stoddard family, under the Pratt Company which also included the Woodruff family, the Hunter family and the Robinsons family. We had four girls and four boys in our family along with our families baby which we named 'Emily C. Whale Stoddard' There were some loud families who sang at the top of their lungs from the time we left to the very end. There were quiet families who didn't make much noise as they walked.

The necklaces Kerry and I made for our Trek family. Trek 2014 on one side and Stoddard on the other.

Our family was quiet. But it was so interesting to see the progression of being shy, not really knowing each other, to the end were they really got on like a bunch of siblings and a good group of friends. At first (in my tired state) I thought how annoying is the loud family! but how wrong was I. Their perseverance and endurance regardless of the afflictions they would have been feeling the same as myself, they push on, and they sang on, lifting the spirit of their family and the entire group to endure and push on. Without the loud group, the journey for me would have been so much harder!

The next stop we came to were Indians. Each family had to make a trade in order to gain passage. Our family decided to sing a song, so we did but the Indians wanted an item they could use. Our youth we stumped and under the pressure one of our girls took the earrings out of her ears and her watch and gave them to the Indians, saving our family.

By the time we reached half way (9 kilometers) I was exhausted and tired. It was freezing but while we walked it was hot. I was so tired I really didn't care that I couldn't even see the ground in front of me I just wrapped myself up in my husbands warm coat and lied down on the ground. It was pitch black, thankfully we had a few torches to help us navigate our way around.

The third stop we came to was a burial grove. A young man told us his story of having to bury his father and youngest brother. He talked about the legacy his father had left and carrying on that legacy. He asked us to think of someone in our life who has passed on and the legacy they have left for us, and how we can carry on their legacy.

It made me think of my Granddad. He passed away 20 years ago when I was 9. I have the fondest memories of him and miss his often. But when my family all get together it's truly beautiful to recognize the legacy that he and my Nana created.

Walking, walking, walking, tired, exhausted, walking, sore feet, walking, pitch black, walking, walking.

The fourth stop was not too far from the end of our 18 kilometers. It was 11 pm by this time and as we approached the activity I felt a sinking feeling in my gut and something along the lines of 'you've got to be kidding me!?' (good and faithful servant right! ha) we had reached the women's pull. The young men and Pa' were asked to stand away from the hand cart and told they were not allowed to touch it at all. To the side of the trail was a slope, a steep slope. Just before we went down, the support crew tied a rope to the cart and we carried it down with little effort because they held onto the rope. Awesome, I thought! too easy. They told us to keep the rope on, handing me the rope, then realizing we had to walk a few meters up only to pull the hand cart back up the slope. I though OK they want us to keep the rope on so they can hold it while we pull in up ( for safety you know!?) so we start to head up the slope and no one was taking the rope for me! HELLO! this was not a little slope at 11 pm at night, it was freaking Mt. Everest. Upon realizing we were on our own for this one, me and my four girls, two behind the cart, two at the front pulling and me in front pulling on this rope!  We made it about half way then we were stuck! Kerry and the young men of our family were right next to us offering encouragement, unable to assist. I felt the cart rock back and we struggled to get past this hump. I saw my two girls in front of me struggling, putting in all their effort but it just wasn't happening. So I put my game face on and yelled out to my girls "We can do this! on the count of three give it all you've got 1, 2, 3!!!" I think I counted about three times and hallelujah we go it! We did it!

what an ugly photo of me right!!

Afterwards we sat down with our family to reflect on the experience that just took place. I was so incredibly out of it, I did not know where I got the energy to pull through it and was just numb with exhaustion after it. But for some reason they all looked to me, to lead the discussion, so I tried my best to put sentences together, I honestly can't remember much of that discussion, I hope I made sense.

Then we kept walking... and walking.

And we finally made it!

By this time I was REALLY exhausted. I felt feverish and dizzy. I felt like I was going to either throw up or pass out! so as Kerry and our kids setup our tarp to sleep on, I sneaked away to the first aid crew standing nearby. I felt like a total sook but the beautiful Julie stayed with me until I felt better.

To be continued ....

The End

So I'm a little sad, I have reached my goals with my psychologist which I'm really really happy about, but I am sad because I will miss my Wednesday appointments with Deb :(

She has helped me battle my most biggest demon, something I never though I could do, and she made it feel almost too easy!

I really admire Deb and I hope she knows how much I appreciate everything she has done for me.

She is my hero!

Best. Family. Ever

The last couple of weeks here is Sydney we've been experiencing some crazy, cool and dumb weather. Dumb, because I don't like the rain and what makes it even worse is that it's still humid, muggy and hot, and pouring down with rain! Crazy, because we have these random and short lived full blown storms. It gets super windy the sky goes dark and then the thunder and lightning kick in. Oddly they last no more than 30 minutes then the sun will usually come back out again!? And Cool, because I love listening to thunder and watching the lightning illuminate the pitch black sky. Hearing my kids scurry around with fear and excitement at the same time as they look to Kerry and I for reassurance that everything is OK, that they are safe with us.

Last night we had one of these spontaneous thunder storms just as we finished having family home evening. So I turned all the lights off and opened the blinds and for 20 minutes sat on our lounge room floor watching in wonder at what was going on outside.

I felt Grateful to be reminded of our Heavenly Fathers magnificence. Grateful to feel safety and protection within our home. Grateful to have the moment to enjoy my little family as we all huddled together, daddy being our anchor.

Mathias wriggled his body into the cracks between Kerry and I, spontaneously kissing his big sister on the forehead {which he NEVER does!} and announcing that "This is the best family EVER!"

and I must say, I couldn't have agreed more!

My Granddad Eric Colin Steventon

It was one month before my 9th birthday when my granddad passed away. 16th March 1994 and this month marks 20 years since then.

I love him so much and cherish the memories that I have of him. He was a hard worker and a family man. My most favorite thing about him was that he loved us. He loved his grandchildren and always took the time to show us. He would play with us, be silly with us and make us laugh. I have never doubted that my granddad loved me even in the short years I got to spend with him.

I miss him and I think of him often. I think of him watching over us, watching as our family gathers together and enjoying each others company. Crying with us when we feel pain and rejoicing in our victories.

I wanted to find a husband like him and in many ways Kerry reminds me of him. They are just like big kids at heart. Not afraid to show love and getting down on all fours to play with kids.

I know that one day I will see him again.

I love you always granddad, you always made me feel loved and for that I am deeply grateful.

Nana and Granddad Steventon

Getting better

I mentioned I've been getting better a couple of posts back. This is due to some seriously awesome love, support and help.

I am still taking my anti depressants everyday {I'm impressed with myself that I haven't slacked off with that yet}

Kerry is my biggest support. I've told him so many times that he is my hero! and that's the best way I can describe everything he does for me. I feel incredibly blessed to have found a man who loves me unconditionally. He experiences the very worst of me and has seen me at my complete lowest, and he loves me still the same.

My 'blisters' ... Oh I mean sisters! each of them are unique and individual in their strengths and I admire them so much. When I compare myself with the three of them I often feel like the black sheep.

I Love my Mum so much, and my love for her grows as I make this journey. Everything she does is for her children and she knows and understands us better than we sometimes {probably always} give her credit for. She has been my biggest strength my entire life, even through my rebellious years when I thought I knew better, she has never left my side.

My BFF ... that's you Lian. In my life there are three people I have met and felt such a strong connection with that I have no doubt we knew each other before we came to this earth. You are one of them. My love and admiration for you grows as I see you face your challenges with such faith in Christ.

My Psychologist Deb. I feel pretty lucky I can say 'My Psychologist' but even more lucky that I have one as good as she is. From our very first consultation I felt confident in her ability to help me work through the tough stuff I've been avoiding for decades. After every session with her I am blown away and just so incredibly grateful and in awe. She is Awesome!

And of course my kids! They are teaching my some of life's most precious and important lessons and they bring me the greatest joy and happiness EVER.

On making discoveries

Last week I made some huge discoveries. Realizations about what kind of mother I am and the things I do. What kind of mother I want to be and the things I should try to do.

This all came about through Taylah-benet not being happy with her teacher at school. Mrs Olave is tough, confident and a strong personality. So when I saw her being tough on Taylah-benet, I was intimidated and I felt for her immediately when I saw my seven year old break down into tears.

Taylah-benet is so much like me. She is shy socially. She is gentle, kind, caring and very soft spoken. I see so much of my personality in her so when I see her hurt it affects me just the same as if were done to me.

So, I was upset and very very worried about her welfare at school. So I tossed and turned over what it is I should do. I knew I had to confront the teacher which scared the crap out of me, but I knew I had to do it for Taylah.

So I set up a time to sit down with Mrs Olave when Kerry could come too. Wednesday (12th March) I went to my appointment with my psychologist Deb. I told her all about what was happening with Taylah-benet. I had written a letter to Mrs Olave that contained my concerns and given it to her the day before to not put her on the spot at the time of our meeting and allow her time to gather her response which seemed only fair given I had already spent several days tossing and turning over them.

Deb was supportive and impressed with the steps I'd taken so far, offered some advice and could hardly wait to hear the outcome of the meeting with the teacher which was to take place later that day.

We proceeded with my session which always leaves me a little tender than usual then when school finished we made our way to sit down with Mrs Olave. I was extremely nervous. She had invited another teacher Mrs Armstrong along to the meeting for support.

We talked for about 40 Min's and that was it. When it was over I was kind of in a state of shock and confusion. My thoughts were along the lines of "Hold up, did she just change my mind!!? and did she just turn that all around to me!?"

I had made some pretty heavy realizations in that meeting that left me in a slight state of shock. I wasn't bullied into these realizations and they didn't direct anything at me at all. Everything they had to say made sense and I knew it would be good for both Taylah and I.

Basically, I realized that I do way too much for Taylah-benet. Things that she is able to do herself but out of love and habit I did them. Things like dressing her for school most every morning, washing her at bath time, packing her bag and keeping her room clean. I wasn't allowing her to have any responsibility for herself. I was part of this problem! enabling her lazy habits.

I realized that even though my husband has been telling me for years, I am too 'soft' on Taylah-benet. I always jump to her defense against anyone including Kerry, which results in me undermining Kerry and Taylah having less respect for him. I was fighting her battles even taking them away from her.

So after our meeting I knew I need to change my habits in order for Taylah to change hers. I knew that Mrs Olave cares very much about all of her students and she only wants them to succeed and perform at their best. I knew I want to support Mrs Olave and not undermine her by telling Taylah that 'it's OK, I'll fight your battles for you'. I knew I want to support my husband by allowing him to discipline Taylah without me swooping in to 'rescue' her. I knew that I want Taylah to learn these lessons and build up her resilience now rather than later when the world might not be so supportive and understanding.

Our home life since the minute we got home on Wednesday after that meeting has changed a little, and all for the better. I no longer dress Taylah and Mathias in the mornings, I don't even put their shoes on or do them up, now I know they can do it for themselves. I pack their lunch box and let them pack their school bag. I make sure they know that they are responsible for their home reader books and folders, homework books and library books so they need to keep them in their proper place.

When they come home from school first they're to take their shoes off and put them away, take their lunch box to the kitchen and hang their school bags in their room. Change out of their uniform and put it away for the next day.

Not rocket science stuff, but little stuff that are making a big difference to our home. It hasn't even been one week and I can see small differences in Taylah-benet, she rather likes being responsible for herself and her things and I speak to her often about not being afraid for her teacher, that her teacher cares about her and only wants what is best. Re affirming that when the teacher asks the class to do something, she needs to do it straight away, and when the teacher asks her a question she needs to answer and not be scared to ask for help if she needs too.

I also find I have a little more order in our home. Mornings are not as stressful and I'm not rushing around doing everything for all three of my kids and myself.

I'm still intimidated by Mrs Olave, but it is only because we are so different, neither one better than the other, just different.

And I only see that as a good thing :)

Tough love

When I was in labor with Taylah-benet I had two midwifes throughout the duration of my labor.

The first one was sweet. Very kind and sympathetic towards me and the pain I was in. She held me hand and gave me the gas to use even though it didn't feel like it was doing anything.

Then her shift ended and a new midwife came on board.

This lady was pushy! and I did not like her at all. She told me I was using the gas wrong and told me how to do it properly. She would do internals mid contractions and I swear I could have strangled her then and there. She delayed going to get me an epidural because she said it wouldn't be too much longer, like she knew right!? she kept telling me I needed to relax.

As much as I was hating on this midwife while I was in labor with Taylah-benet, after it was all over and I was back to my rational thinking again I realised I was better off with her. Instead of holding my hand saying it would all be over soon, she forced me to relax and stop fighting what was happening to my body. She helped me get through the pain telling me the best way I could.

I learnt a lot from that experience.

School Life

Excuse me for being away for a while, I have been getting better. I have found an amazing psychologist who is helping me work through some serious issues and she is just incredible. If you ever need to see a psychologist, I would highly recommend her so hit me up for her details.

Mathias is settled into school life rather well. He was struggling with the full long days for a little bit making him very tired, but he's much better now. he absolutely loves school, and it loves him too. I am always amazed at how different my oldest two kids are, Mathias is such a people person. The social scene comes extremely natural to him and he could make friends with a brick wall. Kids follow him, and I think this is an amazing talent he's been blessed with, he is a natural born leader.

Taylah-benet I fear will always struggle, at least all the way through primary school. Actually probable even high school. She struggles socially and in the class. She really does live in a world of her own a lot. She is such a sweet tender girl that will make her journey a bit more difficult. I want to teach her to nurture her sweet and tender side, it is a Christ like attribute that I cherish dearly in her. She is full of so much innocence I fear for her heart. I want to protect her from the harsh realities in this world that will try to tell her she shouldn't be this way.

Thoughs from 3 am

I have so many thoughts flowing through me right now I can't sleep until a jot down a few thoughts.

I have been on anti depressants for two weeks now. The first week I felt no different. This week I do.

It took me a little while to realise, but I feel it, and it's wonderful and strange. Clearer, like a dark cloud has been lifted from my mind, it really is amazing to realise I haven't felt this way in a really long time and I missed it and my husband missed it.

I haven't started seeing the physiologist or councilor yet, but I don't feel so scared or anxious anymore.

Taylah-benet is back at school and is now in year 2. Mathias started school now too and he absolutely loves it. My fears of him having separation anxiety were in vain, the morning of his first day of school he was up at 6.30 am singing and shouting "I'm going to school today, woo hoo, woo hoo!!!" Seriously! I've never seen anyone THAT excited to be going to school.

I also have been enjoying the 'quite' time. Mathias makes so much noise where ever he goes, he doesn't do quite ever. I've been able to enjoy alone time with Carter and doing a few more things around the house while he sleeps and a couple times even enjoyed having a sleep myself while Carter sleeps!

Carter is turning 2 next week!! Where did those two years go!

Thoughts from 4 AM

4 am on Sunday morning and I can't sleep!

Not because I don't want to (right now there's nothing else I'd rather be doing) It's just not happening.

I feel anxiety and the tiredness I had when I actually went to bed at 12 am is long gone.

Yesterday (Saturday 25th Jan 2014) was an important day for me. I went to the doctors. 

Something I've been avoiding. I thought "how do I tell someone I'm sick, but you can't see it?" not through my physical appearance anyway. When I'm out I put up a shield, I fix my hair and put on a smile and show the world what they want to see. Most times I do this so well, I even convince myself.

It felt weird going to the doctor. A voice in my head is laughing and saying 'what are you doing! you don't need this there is nothing wrong with you, and if there is, why can't I see it.' I'm not coughing, I don't have a fever and I'm not struggling to breath. 

Afterwards I felt strange, but looking back now, relieved. That the doctor I saw treated my ailment like any other. As if I had walked in and said 'I have a fever' but I didn't, I walked in and said {very nervously} 'I'm pretty sure I have depression'

2014 It's my year...

Since becoming a mum, my whole world is about and for my kids. And the more kids I've had, the more of me it takes/demands. I Love my kids to no end, and I couldn't imagine or want my life to be anything other than what it is. That doesn't change the very real fact that it is Hard! and sometimes, in a quiet moment of the night while they sleep, after I clean up the messes of the day, knowing full well they will be made again tomorrow, I enjoy something for myself.

Weather it's simply putting my feet up and surfing the Internet, watching a movie or TV show, enjoying a hot chocolate or another sweet treat without interruptions of screams, tears or whinging, it reminds me I'm still here, me, not just the mum, but me.

I am a mum who enjoys a few years gap between my kids, I like to enjoy each baby, being my baby for as long as they let me. And when I feel ready physically and emotionally to take on the responsibility of nurturing another sweet baby, that is when I will have one.

Each of my children have challenged my mothering skills, tested and expanded them. I knew I needed a bigger break than the first. So, Carter was born three years after Mathias. This has been a wonderful gap between them.

Having three kids has been a real challenge to adjust to. I finally feel like I can handle the three of them. But I knew that I needed another big break so I had the Implanon put in my arm which lasts for three years.

This March will be two years since having it in so I have another year before it has to come out. Also, Mathias starts school this year so it is just Carter and I at home.

All of that was my long winded way of saying... 2014... It's my year! My year to do a little bit more for myself. I have quite a few goals this year but two that stand out.

1. Become and Australian Citizen
2. Become healthier and fitter

With just one at home I feel like the second is much much more achievable for me this year (although I could be very wrong!)

What are your goals this year? and please tell me, what are your tips and tricks for staying sane!

30 Rock

Last weekend my sister entered the 'dirty thirties!'

Sadly I wasn't able to join her on the weekend away, but it's made me think about our years growing up together. The lives we are leading and the kind of people we are today.

She and I have not always been close. But in recent years our relationship has grown so beautifully and is one I value most dearly. She is wise beyond her mere 30 years and I often need a dictionary when ever we talk.

I admire her strength, her courage and her faith.

Happy 30th Sariah! I love you so very much.

1D...

And you ROCK!

i Can't believe my son starts School soon!

Mathias is starting school this year! in about two weeks. It's so crazy looking back at photos of when he was just a tiny little baby, and now he's a real little boy!

He is my 'Home boy' he hates being away from home on his own and prefers his own bed to any other. It breaks my heart to see him break down if we leave him anywhere, I know it doesn't last, but his cries pierce my heart. I think he will have some separation anxiety when he starts school, but I know he will love his time there. He loves being around other kids, running, playing and being active and social. He's progressed a fair bit in the last six months with starting to try and write and hearing his speech improve.

We brought his school shoes last week from Athletes Foot, I don't think I'll buy school shoes anywhere else now. He's so happy with his shoes he's been wearing them ever since we got them, alternating between his formal black school shoes and his sports shoes!

He is such and fun loving kid, he gets very upset and frustrated when things get too serious.

His laugh is one of my favorite sounds EVER!

I think I have depression...

Actually, I know I do, it's just really hard and kind of weird to say it and put myself out there. Over the last couple of months I have felt it sneak into my body and kill a whole lot of my joy and happiness. Days can be stressful and a real struggle to cope with what my life demands leaving me feeling trapped and miserable. Making it difficult to feel any happiness with my husband and kids. I feel broken and empty inside and very very alone. Not knowing how to 'fix this'.

I've also been struggling with issues. Issues that I try with all my might to hide away but it has become more and more evident to me, that these issues are leaking. They affect my marriage, my feelings about my children, and various relationships within my life.

I know the next step I need to take. But it scares me.

I know I can't 'fix' this on my own.

And I know I don't want to live my life feeling this way.

Goodbye 2013 and Hello New Year!

2013 has been a tough one for us, but I always try to be mindful that there are many people who have much less than I do. So I try to be grateful for what I do have.

I have a hard working husband who is still madly in love with me, and our kids. I have a place to call home, that is mine, if I want to paint a wall, I paint it, and if I want to drill 5 holes in the walls to hang Christmas stockings, I don't have to ask permission. I have three very happy and very healthy kids who have never been to the ER {that's a miracle in itself}. 

I have many hopes for 2014, there is a lot that I need to do. 

This New Years Eve we went to our local community event which ended at 9 pm with a fireworks display. The kids absolutely loved the fireworks! 

Christmas 2013

This Christmas we spent in Cowra. We almost didn't make it, but I am so glad we did.

We arrived in Cowra on Monday (23rd Dec) afternoon, and that evening after dinner we drove around to six members homes to sing some carols. 12 kids, 9 adults and four cars we went from one house to the next, repeating the same four carols and spreading the Christmas spirit.

The next day (Christmas eve) more of our family arrived, taking out count up to 17 kids and 11 adults. The tent was set up for all the kids to sleep in on Christmas eve, and the table was made and decorated to fit all of us.

After our beautiful dinner we exchanged gifts which is always a buzz of excitement, then settled all the kids to sleep out in the tent.

Christmas morning we went to a nursing home to sing carols. Played our gift exchange game.

Later that night we traveled back to Sydney.

There are so many things I love about Christmas. I felt like this Christmas I really got to enjoy this beautiful country I call home. As we ate our Christmas eve dinner outside I watched as the sky shone shades of red and orange I've never seen before, it was breathtaking and beautiful. It reminded me how grateful I am to live in such a beautiful country.

I love spending time with my family. I love that the children in our family are grateful for anything and all they receive weather it be big or small.

I love spending time in my Nanas room. scanning over all the photos she has even though I've seen them many times before. There is so much comfort and love there.

I love living in Sydney I feel like this is home. I feel very lucky to be able to experience and enjoy Cowra, and the beautiful and peaceful lifestyle there.