I feel so fragile, like I've been broken into a million pieces and I never have a chance to recover and repair. I have a massive weight on my chest and I just can't breathe and my tummy turns so I literally feel sick. I've felt hopeless and I just want it to stop. I'm suffocating and I just want it to stop.
The weight and pressure of everything I feel is my responsibility and obligation and It's more than I can bare.
Kerry took the day off today, and although I didn't want him to I am so grateful he did. I got up and made a list of some of the pressing things that 'I need' to get done and he worked through it. Crossed off a few things and I was the passenger. He planned a few nights meals and we went to the supermarket and he got the shopping. It seems like a small thing, but it wasn't to me. So today and been very very helpful and I am so very very lucky to have such an amazing man who loves me just as much as I love him.
He is such a foundational piece of me and I don't want it any other way. I don't want a life without Him in it.
It was Nanas 87th birthday on Saturday so we went over for a couple of hours for afternoon tea. Joe and Jackie were here too, because the Doctors don't think Nana will last much longer as her attacks are becoming more frequent and more severe. It was a beautiful afternoon with Nana.
We are moving house this weekend, and when I'm facing things like the likely possibility of Nana passing soon, these difficulties appear so much less significant. It's still been challenging, but the thought of losing someone I love so dearly soon really helps put things into perspective.
Nothing material will ever matter more than them. Not money (or more like, the lack of money) not cars, not working, absolutely nothing.
I feel so very blessed with a lifetime nearly 40 years of cherished memories of my Nana, very blessed indeed.
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