Kerrys Mum Passed Away

 Kerrys Mum passed away last week (Wednesday 25th September 2024) Linda sent a message to the family group chat at 4am Thursday our time saying that Jane has been slowly declining. She cries out help me and sobs in pain... the Doctors said her heart could stop since it's a lot for the heart to handle.

Then around 12pm Thursday our time, Lance messaged the group that she had passed. I called Kerry straight away at work and when he answered, I could tell he hadn't seen the message, so I told him and stayed on the phone with him for a bit as he cried. He came home, and when he got here he was on a video call to the girls in the hospital room with Jane still laying on the bed. It was a little confronting for him to see her like that, but nice that he had that opportunity to be there for a short while even if it could only be through video call. 

The next 48hrs that followed were a complete whirlwind! I was already in a down mood day before that and I had my routine appointment with my Doctor that afternoon. That went good, I am able to explain to him where I'm at and how I'm struggling, so he has increased my medication to hopefully help me with the down days I still experience and be a bit more stable. 

We told each of the four older kids, which was emotional, but just tried to be open and honest and let them know that if they have any questions or want to talk about anything they are thinking of feeling, that we are hear for them.

Then I started to take steps to try send Kerry over to Arizona, because although Jane is gone now, I felt very strongly that he should go and be with his siblings because although they will each experience their own individual grieving process, they are all together in that, and that's a pretty special and comforting thing to share with your siblings I think and he wanted the same. 

I checked with his work if he could have the next week off. Checked is Caroline could have the three little boys for the week so I could still work while Kerry was away, then had to figure out where to borrow money from. It's roughly $3000 for a flight to Arizona. It took most of the day, I asked Camilla first, but she was taking a while to respond and I felt that maybe she just didn't know how to tell me that they aren't in a position to lend us that much money, and that's completely ok. So I asked Mum if I should ask Sariah, and Mum just went and asked her and she sent it straight away.

OH shortly before she sent the money, I was to feeling so shattered and empty I was just trying to function doing one thing at a time, so I was cooking dinner, knew it would be a late dinner, but I just had to do one thing, then the next. so 8pm and dinner is pretty much just ready and we hear this loud crash... We all look at each other like, what in the heck was that!? Taylah and Lily had taken my car to go and get McDonalds, she had called and said the car wouldn't start so Kerry had to go jump start it and said to her don't come straight inside when you get home, park in the driveway and let the car run for a bit before you come inside. She did that, but then drove the car into park it in the garage, and crashed it into the garage wall that backs on to mine and Kerrys bedroom. Carter, Micah and Oakley were all in our bedroom, sitting with their backs against the bedhead watching a movie. No was got hurt thankfully. Kerry was furious, and went straight into the garage yelling, Taylah then started yelling back, saying his reaction wasn't helping, I was just in absolute disbelief I was just like 'you to need to seperate RIGHT NOW'

Thankfully Kerry just turned right around and walked out of the garage. I backed the car out of the wall and then just sat there taking some deep breaths before I said to Taylah 'Explain to me how this happened?'

She then proceeded to tell me that Lily had her phone and she was trying to get it off her, went to put her foot on the break but hit the accelerator by accident instead. I just said to her look, I understand it was an accident, I understand you didn't do it on purpose, but you were reckless, and you can't afford to be reckless when you're behind the wheel of a vehicle. And Dad has every right to react however he reacts, you just need to not say anything back and don't make this into something between the two of you. just don't say a word.

Kerry was so angry, he spent the next two hours and got straight into cutting the wall out which helped him physically vent some of it out. So by the time he was done, his mood was pretty much back to normal.

Anyhow, once the money came through I called Sariah and thanked her, I am so flipping lucky to have the family that I have! honestly. 

Next step was getting Kerry's Visa Waiver - to travel to USA for a holiday, you have to pay to get a piece of paper that say's you don't need a visa! So I waited for that to come through as approved, which took few hours. Then Friday morning searched for a flight. Worked Friday night.

Saturday morning drove the three boys over to Cowra, stayed for Gabs birthday party, then cam home. Kerry packed and we left about 4.30 to drive to the airport. Zoe insisted that we take her car, because his work asked him to bring his ute in so we couldn't use that and we use his work ute because we don't pay for the petrol for it. So we took Zoe car and it was just the two of us. I still felt kind of emotionless or just task orientated, to get everyone where they needed to be, then get back home. I kind of knew that it might hit once everyone was where they needed to be and I was home, and I was right. I dropped Kerry off and drove straight back home, I got home about 10.30pm and I was absolutely shattered and exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. so I had a little cry and went to bed, Mathias gave me a big hug and ended up sleeping with me in my bed which was kind of nice. he had two friends sleeping over and they were being eggs to him so he didn't want to sleep in his room with them.

Sunday was really chill. It was just what I needed. It felt really bizarre without the three little boys, but super calm.

I've been video calling and checking in with Kerry a lot. The family service was yesterday and the funeral service is in about an hour and a half, 3am Thursday 3rd October Sydney time. It 10am Wednesday 2nd October over in Arizona. 

I've worked Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night, so when I got home from work a few hours ago I was going to try get a couple hours sleep, but decided to jump on here and journal. I'm hoping to pick up a shift for tonight (Thursday night) so that will be 4 shifts - now that we've got more debt again, I will aim to do 4 shifts a week until we can get the debt back down again. But I am certain that we will. Christmas time might be a little tough now because Kerrys work closes for 3 weeks and he won't have the annual leave now to cover us, but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

I am so happy that he is over there, I have no doubt that that is exactly where he needs to be, and it is worth the debt and extra work to figure the other things out. This time with his family is priceless and he'll have the memories forever. 

Thursday 19th September 2024

 Last week was rough, but it's those weeks that truly show me how blessed I really am. I have so many beautiful people in my life that I am so grateful for. I'm grateful for everything I learn. So often these days I drown in my own head, sometime I wish there were an 'off switch', but I know there is a reason I am the way that I am, and there is an even better reason I am paired with the partner that I have. We are the right amount of similar and the right amount of different to balance and ground each other. 

I met up with John and Nancy for coffee this morning which was really nice, they are some of my absolute favourite people, and I look up to John as a father figure, I am so grateful to know that he cares for me too. 

I started making sourdough bread a couple of weeks ago and I absolutely love it! It is a really lengthy, slow and involved process, but I find myself incredibly drawn to 'slow' living, and the process of making one sourdough loaf is just that and the result is nothing you can buy or get quick and conveniently, it's priceless. The joy and beauty of a fresh baked loaf of sourdough that has so much time and effort put into it, that is what I love. And seeing my family enjoy that, and being able to share that, is just, beautiful.

Kerry's mum had a big scare yesterday which really hit Kerry. About a month or so ago they discovered she has a cancerous tumour that is pressing against her hip joint and causing hip erosion and a significant about of pain. She also has a problem with blood clots in her leg or legs, so she is on blood thinners for that, and started chemo therapy last week for the cancer as it is inoperable because of how many nerves are surrounding it. But yesterday morning they called the whole family because the Doctors found that she has an internal bleed which is more complicated because of her problem with blood clots and being on blood thinners. So the Doctors told them they need to prepare themselves to loose her, so they did a family phone call and Jane was saying her 'goodbyes' 

From my perspective, Jane has always been so distant. But she is his Mum, so I really feel for him. I know loosing my Mum will be so incredibly hard for me because of how much I love her, so it must be like that for him. My Nana Parahi passed away a couple months ago and I honestly didn't have much thoughts or feelings about it. I don't feel bad about that, to me it's just a representation of how little she was part of my life. Nana, on the other hand, is getting worse each week and the thought of loosing her now is bitter sweet. It's only sad because of the role that she has always played in my life, she's always been part of it. I will miss he being part of my life, she is so very special to me. However, the sweetness is in the knowledge that she will no longer suffer with pain and that she will finally be reunited with her Love, my Grandad.

My Nana is more than I could ever put into words, as is my Mother. I am so freaking proud to come from two such incredible, strong, vulnerable, beautiful. amazing woman. I think people are lucky if they get one in their lifetime, but TWO! I am their legacy. and I am so proud of that, I hope they are too. 

Life is such a complex but beautiful thing. and I am lucky and blessed, whatever you want to call it. I know I'm a beautiful person too. It's just that more often than not, I don't really feel like I am. But, in those most crucial of times, I know that I really am, it's just that I am also my own worst critic. 

    

4th September 2014

 I'm doing heaps better. Honestly, the whole last 8 months had been incredibly challenging but I'm finally starting to feel some relief. Which is obviously a huge relief! We've settled into our new house almost as though it was always meant to be. We like it better than the other one, the layout feels more homey, which is a nice feeling. We cleaned, repaired and cleaned and repaired the other house even I was impressed and we got our bond back.

Our accountant did our tax returns which found that Centrelink underpaid us in the Family Tax Benefit, so not only did it eliminate the debt that we were paying off with them, but we got a lump sum of money from them too, on top of both our tax returns. absolutely massive for us! and allowed us to almost instantly get rid of $3000 in debt!!! I'm so flipping proud! in 8 months this year we're paid over $10,000 off in debt and managed to keep up with living expense's of our family of seven. Although we had to move again, We are in such a better situation than we were 12 months ago and it feels absolutely awesome.

So although I've slacked off in doing the things to look after myself, I'm now able to work on it. I aim for little steps, and feel heaps better than I did a few weeks ago.

The kids are all good. They are so freaking special! The most challenging one at the moment is Taylah-benet. I helped her get a car so she brought her first car with her savings money which is pretty exciting! however, she doesn't work much, which I tried to warn her would be her biggest challenge, she needs the income to support the responsibility of car ownership. She only had one shift this week which was meant to be today (Wednesday) but she is badly constipated again, so had to cancel the shift. This is disappointing and  frustrating for Kerry and I on so many levels because this has been something she has been dealing with for year now and she does absolutely nothing  to help herself, I have brought all the things to help her and she barely even takes them even when she is suffering, we have to remind her over and over and over and over before she actually gets up and makes herself one glass of Metamucil or any of the other things I've got for her when she is especially blocked up like she is right now.

She lays in bed, sleeps all day and stays away most of the night on her phone watching things. We've told her all the things a million times that she needs to do to help herself, but she just doesn't do them. She finds them too hard. I feel like I can't do anything, and if I try do something, she's not going to learn to do things for herself. argh!!! I can't! or I'll just work myself up into a absolute mess.

All the boys are doing good. Mathias has basketball trials for the next three weekends, amongst everything else. But he doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment which I'm pretty relieved about, that seems to be the biggest source of stress for him, when he has one, so he is happier right now without one. I hope he realises that. He's a pretty emotionally smart young man, especially for his age. Which of course makes me feel super proud, but I know that's all him!

Kerry has been a bit down the last few days, which I worry about, but I just always hope that we'll get through whatever we face, individually and collectively. He is away tonight, just for one night, for work. which I think is probably a really good thing that he needed right now. 

It was Fathers Day on Sunday which always gets me thinking. I did want to see my Dad and felt grateful to him. And then there are significant father figures in my life that I just am so very grateful that they came into my life at the times that they did. Derek has always been a big one for me. It was during my critical teen years that he showed me the love and attention that I so desperately wanted and needed. Dave has been it and one point. but right now it is my friend John. I know he sees me for me and cares for me deeply. and he is so kind and considerate, I am just so lucky to have crosses paths with him. I know there isn't much he wouldn't do for me, and although I would try and never ask him (which I think he knows) I know he would whatever he could to protect and help me.

I am one incredible blessed human, and I am so so very grateful

21st Letter

 A good friend of mine asked me a few months ago if I would write a letter to her daughter for her 21st birthday, she will give her 21 letters on her 21st. In true fashion, I left it to the last day, Monday, to finally compose the letter. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to write and when it came down to it, it was a message I want my kids to have too. Anyhow,  here's the letter I wrote...

Dear ...

I honestly feel as though I know you better than I should, given I have not really spent much time with you.

However I have been spending a great deal of time with your parents. They are so proud of you. Everything you

do and who you are, they can’t help but share how much joy you bring not only to them, but also to the people

around you. You have a light and kindness about you, and your dedication and commitment to anything you love

and set your mind to are truly admirable attributes that you should be proud of too. 

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I might write to you. It is an honour to be invited to write a letter to you

on this very special occasion, your 21st birthday. Happy Birthday Beautiful! I hope you enjoy the celebrations and

that they remind you just how extraordinarily loved you are. Enjoy all of it! You deserve all the beautiful things that

come your way.

I was chatting with my daughter just the other day and sharing with her something I’ve come to gain a greater

understanding of recently, which is this. I have learnt lots of lessons in my life so far, I have learnt things that have

absolutely changed my life and helped me become more of the person I am today, which is more of the person I

want and hope to be. I could share with you the lessons I’ve learnt, all the answers I’ve received, but they won’t

mean the same. The greatest lessons you will learn will be  through your own experiences, they will be your most

profound. So what I want for my kids, and for you, and for anyone I love and care about deeply, is to learn the

lessons your life is trying to teach you. Some people don’t learn, and you can spot these people because they are

stuck in a cycle that goes around and around. It’s not easy learning life's lessons that are meant for us, no one ever

learns from an easy game. I like to think of life as a refining process, much like a diamond is created under years

and years of pressure. So be open minded to be a student to your life. You’ll have heartbreaks, and absolute rock

bottoms that will break you to your very core. But you’ll also have  absolutely magical moments that will take

your breath away and make it all worth it.

Two things I repeat to my kids often is that life is perspective and everything is relative. No two lives can ever be

exactly the same  because it is your unique lens. This is just one of the things that makes you so unique and special.

And everything is relative by how one chooses to view the world and their experience in it. So the significant truth

in these two statements is that we create our own reality, by how we view the world and our experience is our

reality and that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our own power in creating the life we want. Our minds

are extraordinary and limited only by our own doing. Don’t limit yourself, you are at the forefront of your own story.

Try to always spot the joy and beauty in it, it is always there whether we see it or not.

The other great thing I would want for you, is for you to always be true to yourself. Learn to recognise your truevoice, and it will always guide you to things that are meant just for you. Don’t live your life trying to fit someone

else's ideas of who or how you should be. You will be betraying yourself in the process. Granted there are times in

life where we will do things we don’t really want to do, but learn to distinguish when it is  worth it and when it is

not.

And most of all, work hard and play hard! Have fun and enjoy yourself. Spoil yourself, you deserve it and are

worth it.

I know we haven’t spent much time with you but your family are my family, never hesitate to reach out,

because I would be there in a heartbeat.

All my love,

Ardeth 

Nonsence

 We spend so much of our lives and so much energy running around in circles trying to figure things out and find answers. When will I be able to live my own life as an independent adult? When will I find the love of my life? What career am I meant to choose? When should I start having children and how many should I have? Should I have children at all or will I just be a terrible parent so it'd be better off if I don't? Why did some one I love so deeply have to die? Why did I get this cancer? Who am I meant to be? am I on the right path? Where should I live in the world? Why don't they like me, is there something wrong with me? Why is everything worth having, so flipping hard to get to? Why can't they love me for me? When can I stop running and carrying all this weight? 

We were never meant to have all the answers and even if they were given to us when we asked, we'd almost certainly not get it!

We don't learn anything from an easy game. We don't learn anything when we're not pushed to our limits.

This life is a refining process, and it happens in stages. I could give you all the answers I've learned in my 39 years of living life, but they won't mean as much to you now, because you haven't learnt it through your own experience yet. But when you do... you will remember my words and go 'ohhhhhhhh now I see!'

You could be given all the answers when you're five years old, and it's a yellow ball that you kick and throw around and play with, but that's all. It's fun for a moment, but then you lose interest and forget to look after it and loose it. 

Then you're given all the answers again, when you're 15 years old, and you think it's so stupid you don't need it, you already know everything,  and you don't need a stupid old ball. You want to go out and make your own ball that's way more exciting and fun.

Now you're twenty five, thirty five, forty five and fifty... you get it. you start to get it, and you realise that's just the tip of the ice burg. Us and life, are waaaayyyyyyy more complex, powerful and vulnerable, than you ever realised. simultaneously and beautifully simple too, but you're not quite sure how that's even possible. But it most definitely is. 

Monday 12th August

 We moved into our new house last Saturday (3rd August) I asked Kerry to make all the arrangements because I just couldn't deal with it. It all went pretty smoothly, the little kids were super bored but wasn't much we could do about that. The internet had been disconnected from our old house on Friday and the new house wasn't getting connected until Monday. But everyone survived, myself included. This last week I've been cleaning the other house almost everyday and I finished it and returned the keys today only to realise I was missing 4 keys! I'll have a look for them but if I don't find them we'll probably just have to pay to get those 4 cut again. We got the house looking better than I was expecting, now everything is crossed that we get the whole bond back. 

Talia came over from New Zealand for 5 days to see Nana Stevie. Camilla picked her up from the airport and drove her to my house, they slept the night and then I drove her to Cowra the next day. The day after we moved Kerry and Mathias went to Dubbo for WRAS trials and I took the three little boys and went to Cowra to spend some more time with Tali while she was here. That was really nice. Then on Tuesday Mum drove her to my place and I drove her to the airport. It was a long day of driving but was really nice to see her and spend some time with her. 

Kerry went away for work on Thursday and came home Sunday night. I didn't sleep very well while he was away, this new house makes some random noises so I was a bit scared. 

I have had a better week feels wise. I had my appointment with Dr Pav today which was good. I'm glad I didn't wait for the appointment to go back on antidepressants. It's still been hard, but I think I'm doing better. 

I stopped wearing my Apple Watch a few weeks ago which has been amazing. I was hardwired to my mobile phone and all the notifications that came through on it, I just got so sick of it. I really hate spending loads of time on my phone and I can feel how addictive it is and how yucky it feels when I spend too much time on it, so having that instant connection with it just amplified that. It has been very liberating not getting all the notifications instantly on my wrist. 

I don't think we have much on over the next few weeks, but I would like to visit Nana as often as I can, especially when we don't have things on. It has been so nice spending more time with her and family. It's such a pleasure watching her glow with love as she is surrounded by all of us. She is just as cheeky as ever and there are plenty in the family who are even more cheeky back to her, but she's always been a good sport.

Nana Parahi died on Friday (9th August) I didn't feel anything, but that feels a bit odd too. She's never really been part of my life and I haven't seen or heard from her in I don't know how many years, so I have had nothing to do with her for so so long, it just felt odd to hear that she died, and I'm not sad or anything about it. Her funeral is tomorrow. 

My Nana, on the other hand... has always been in my life, always. When she goes I know I will be sad because I will miss her physical presence. But I'll be glad that she'll no longer be in pain, and that she will finally be reunited with Grandad and Uncle Sam, and that makes me happy. She is so incredibly loved! holy heck, it seems kind of a rare thing in todays world, but such a beautiful thing to witness and be apart of. 

Tuesday 30th July 2024

I feel so fragile, like I've been broken into a million pieces and I never have a chance to recover and repair. I have a massive weight on my chest and I just can't breathe and my tummy turns so I literally feel sick. I've felt hopeless and I just want it to stop. I'm suffocating and I just want it to stop. 

The weight and pressure of everything I feel is my responsibility and obligation and It's more than I can bare. 

Kerry took the day off today, and although I didn't want him to I am so grateful he did. I got up and made a list of some of the pressing things that 'I need' to get done and he worked through it. Crossed off a few things and I was the passenger. He planned a few nights meals and we went to the supermarket and he got the shopping. It seems like a small thing, but it wasn't to me. So today and been very very helpful and I am so very very lucky to have such an amazing man who loves me just as much as I love him. 

He is such a foundational piece of me and I don't want it any other way. I don't want a life without Him in it.

It was Nanas 87th birthday on Saturday so we went over for a couple of hours for afternoon tea. Joe and Jackie were here too, because the Doctors don't think Nana will last much longer as her attacks are becoming more frequent and more severe. It was a beautiful afternoon with Nana.

We are moving house this weekend, and when I'm facing things like the likely possibility of Nana passing soon, these difficulties appear so much less significant. It's still been challenging, but the thought of losing someone I love so dearly soon really helps put things into perspective.

Nothing material will ever matter more than them. Not money (or more like, the lack of money) not cars, not working, absolutely nothing. 

I feel so very blessed with a lifetime nearly 40 years of cherished memories of my Nana, very blessed indeed.