Tuesday 30th July 2024

I feel so fragile, like I've been broken into a million pieces and I never have a chance to recover and repair. I have a massive weight on my chest and I just can't breathe and my tummy turns so I literally feel sick. I've felt hopeless and I just want it to stop. I'm suffocating and I just want it to stop. 

The weight and pressure of everything I feel is my responsibility and obligation and It's more than I can bare. 

Kerry took the day off today, and although I didn't want him to I am so grateful he did. I got up and made a list of some of the pressing things that 'I need' to get done and he worked through it. Crossed off a few things and I was the passenger. He planned a few nights meals and we went to the supermarket and he got the shopping. It seems like a small thing, but it wasn't to me. So today and been very very helpful and I am so very very lucky to have such an amazing man who loves me just as much as I love him. 

He is such a foundational piece of me and I don't want it any other way. I don't want a life without Him in it.

It was Nanas 87th birthday on Saturday so we went over for a couple of hours for afternoon tea. Joe and Jackie were here too, because the Doctors don't think Nana will last much longer as her attacks are becoming more frequent and more severe. It was a beautiful afternoon with Nana.

We are moving house this weekend, and when I'm facing things like the likely possibility of Nana passing soon, these difficulties appear so much less significant. It's still been challenging, but the thought of losing someone I love so dearly soon really helps put things into perspective.

Nothing material will ever matter more than them. Not money (or more like, the lack of money) not cars, not working, absolutely nothing. 

I feel so very blessed with a lifetime nearly 40 years of cherished memories of my Nana, very blessed indeed. 

Sunday 14th July 2024

 I've had a better week. Things have settled down in my body with starting the medication again, and I haven't felt so down and empty which is a nice and welcomed relief. It's been the first week of school holidays too, which means I can sleep in which has been super nice! I hate having to get up in the morning for school routine haha. I've tried to keep the kids happy doing things and spreading it out with some down time/days in between. The Winter Festival is on at the moment so I took Carter and Micah ice skating on Tuesday, then we got hot chips for lunch and came home.

I went to the hairdressers on Wednesday and got my hair coloured which was really nice, it's been 7-8 months since I had it done and I definitely have more grey strands of hair coming through now. I can't remember what we did on Thursday, but on Friday I took the three little boys into the Winter Festival and we met up with Katie, Arya and Erika. They went on the ferris wheel and another ride, then we got hot chips for lunch and went to a new playground in town. It was really nice to hang out with Katie for a bit, I really love her and Chris and the girls. 

On Saturday Kerry and I and the three little boys went to Orange to Mum and Sariahs house so Kerry could check out the roof and we could see the new windows and everything they have been doing. The house looks so beautiful, I love it. They work so hard on it and it's just amazing really. Everything they've done and plan to do, I think it's really special. It was nice to catch up with both of them.

Today I popped pulled pork into the slow cooker and went to the sauna for 2 hrs as I haven't been all week, that was really nice, except I had Mathias message me asking how long I was going to be because he wanted to go to the soccer fields today. It's all good though, I just don't like how he talks to me sometimes like he expects me to just be sitting around always ready to be at his beck and call. 

This week the Greenings are coming up for a visit which will be nice. I'll keep house hunting and applying, hopefully we'll get something soon.

I learnt this week that I haven't had my medication for my skin in 5 months. I'm meant to have the needle every 8 weeks but because I was just relying on the txt messages to remind me, and I haven't had any for whatever reason, so I haven't had it. I'll pick one up tomorrow and have it. I'll just tell my Dermatologist at my next appointment, because now, I have 'spare' prescription needles because I never had them, so I'll just see what she says. I haven't experienced any symptoms returning either, but if it did return and I stop the medication I would have to go through the process all again to get back on a medication. I don't know, I'm torn. Our bodies are just incredible.

Kerry is recovering well, no issues so far. 

Monday 8th July 2024

 What a wild ride this life is, constantly on the move ups and downs, sometimes plateaus. It certainly feels like a sign of the times with things becoming increasingly challenging and happening more often than not. We can't catch a break so I remind myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know that all these things in life a happening 'for me' to learn and grow into the best version of myself if I can learn the lesson I'm meant to learn from it.

I've always found comfort in writing down my thoughts and concerns. So I find myself here again. I started back on my anti-depressants last week, I can't remember how long I've been off them but it's definitely over 18 months-2 years. I know I probably shouldn't go off it, but I usually reach a point where I just keep forgetting to take it everyday. Especially when I was on daily medication for my thyroid too (which I'm no longer on too) I've been feeling pretty low. I know taking medication won't change the things I have to cope with that are difficult which is one of the reasons I've been delaying it I think. But when I'm not coping as well as I could, I know I need some help. So hopefully it will help this time. 

Kerry had surgery last week to have his gallbladder removed. He had the week off and went back to work today. He's still a bit sore in the tummy, but he's ok. We also find out last week that the owner of our rental wants the property for personal reasons so when our lease is up next month we have to move out. Sucks, but nothing we can do about it. Now we need to find the money we'll need to get a new rental house. I was doing so well with paying off our debts this last 6 months too, so it really sucks to have to find somewhere to borrow and go into more debt. One foot in front of the other!

I'm trying to not focus on the negative things, but it is hard.

Oakley is an absolute ray of pure joy. He is so flipping sweet and cute and all the yummy things that come with being a little exploring 2 year old. I love spending my days with him, I dread the day he has to start school 5 days a week. 

Taylah will turn 18 in December! she is working, but not much. Not enough really. but I'm trying to be patient with her.

Mathias has been through some pretty crap things in the last 6 months too but he never ceases to amaze me. I caught him in bed with his girlfriend today and he told me to leave them alone, I threatened to pull him out of the bed myself if he didn't get out right then. I was relieved that he had his pants on, but still disappointed. He knows the rules and he constantly pushes them and argues them. I don't want to push him away, but I don't want him having sex and risking pregnancy when he's way way to young.

Carter has 6 months left of primary school then he'll head off to high school next year too. I am absolutely terrified to send him to high school, it's like a massive cesspool of all the crappy crap anyone can come across at any age never mind the fact that high school kids are so vulnerable stage of life trying to figure out what life is all about, and they're bombarded with so much horrible crap at high school.

Micah just turned 8 last month. We didn't organise for him to get baptised because we have not been active in the church for 2 years now I think. He is happy though, he's still very feisty and fiery, I don't think that will ever change.