21st Letter

 A good friend of mine asked me a few months ago if I would write a letter to her daughter for her 21st birthday, she will give her 21 letters on her 21st. In true fashion, I left it to the last day, Monday, to finally compose the letter. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to write and when it came down to it, it was a message I want my kids to have too. Anyhow,  here's the letter I wrote...

Dear ...

I honestly feel as though I know you better than I should, given I have not really spent much time with you.

However I have been spending a great deal of time with your parents. They are so proud of you. Everything you

do and who you are, they can’t help but share how much joy you bring not only to them, but also to the people

around you. You have a light and kindness about you, and your dedication and commitment to anything you love

and set your mind to are truly admirable attributes that you should be proud of too. 

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I might write to you. It is an honour to be invited to write a letter to you

on this very special occasion, your 21st birthday. Happy Birthday Beautiful! I hope you enjoy the celebrations and

that they remind you just how extraordinarily loved you are. Enjoy all of it! You deserve all the beautiful things that

come your way.

I was chatting with my daughter just the other day and sharing with her something I’ve come to gain a greater

understanding of recently, which is this. I have learnt lots of lessons in my life so far, I have learnt things that have

absolutely changed my life and helped me become more of the person I am today, which is more of the person I

want and hope to be. I could share with you the lessons I’ve learnt, all the answers I’ve received, but they won’t

mean the same. The greatest lessons you will learn will be  through your own experiences, they will be your most

profound. So what I want for my kids, and for you, and for anyone I love and care about deeply, is to learn the

lessons your life is trying to teach you. Some people don’t learn, and you can spot these people because they are

stuck in a cycle that goes around and around. It’s not easy learning life's lessons that are meant for us, no one ever

learns from an easy game. I like to think of life as a refining process, much like a diamond is created under years

and years of pressure. So be open minded to be a student to your life. You’ll have heartbreaks, and absolute rock

bottoms that will break you to your very core. But you’ll also have  absolutely magical moments that will take

your breath away and make it all worth it.

Two things I repeat to my kids often is that life is perspective and everything is relative. No two lives can ever be

exactly the same  because it is your unique lens. This is just one of the things that makes you so unique and special.

And everything is relative by how one chooses to view the world and their experience in it. So the significant truth

in these two statements is that we create our own reality, by how we view the world and our experience is our

reality and that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our own power in creating the life we want. Our minds

are extraordinary and limited only by our own doing. Don’t limit yourself, you are at the forefront of your own story.

Try to always spot the joy and beauty in it, it is always there whether we see it or not.

The other great thing I would want for you, is for you to always be true to yourself. Learn to recognise your truevoice, and it will always guide you to things that are meant just for you. Don’t live your life trying to fit someone

else's ideas of who or how you should be. You will be betraying yourself in the process. Granted there are times in

life where we will do things we don’t really want to do, but learn to distinguish when it is  worth it and when it is

not.

And most of all, work hard and play hard! Have fun and enjoy yourself. Spoil yourself, you deserve it and are

worth it.

I know we haven’t spent much time with you but your family are my family, never hesitate to reach out,

because I would be there in a heartbeat.

All my love,

Ardeth 

Nonsence

 We spend so much of our lives and so much energy running around in circles trying to figure things out and find answers. When will I be able to live my own life as an independent adult? When will I find the love of my life? What career am I meant to choose? When should I start having children and how many should I have? Should I have children at all or will I just be a terrible parent so it'd be better off if I don't? Why did some one I love so deeply have to die? Why did I get this cancer? Who am I meant to be? am I on the right path? Where should I live in the world? Why don't they like me, is there something wrong with me? Why is everything worth having, so flipping hard to get to? Why can't they love me for me? When can I stop running and carrying all this weight? 

We were never meant to have all the answers and even if they were given to us when we asked, we'd almost certainly not get it!

We don't learn anything from an easy game. We don't learn anything when we're not pushed to our limits.

This life is a refining process, and it happens in stages. I could give you all the answers I've learned in my 39 years of living life, but they won't mean as much to you now, because you haven't learnt it through your own experience yet. But when you do... you will remember my words and go 'ohhhhhhhh now I see!'

You could be given all the answers when you're five years old, and it's a yellow ball that you kick and throw around and play with, but that's all. It's fun for a moment, but then you lose interest and forget to look after it and loose it. 

Then you're given all the answers again, when you're 15 years old, and you think it's so stupid you don't need it, you already know everything,  and you don't need a stupid old ball. You want to go out and make your own ball that's way more exciting and fun.

Now you're twenty five, thirty five, forty five and fifty... you get it. you start to get it, and you realise that's just the tip of the ice burg. Us and life, are waaaayyyyyyy more complex, powerful and vulnerable, than you ever realised. simultaneously and beautifully simple too, but you're not quite sure how that's even possible. But it most definitely is. 

Monday 12th August

 We moved into our new house last Saturday (3rd August) I asked Kerry to make all the arrangements because I just couldn't deal with it. It all went pretty smoothly, the little kids were super bored but wasn't much we could do about that. The internet had been disconnected from our old house on Friday and the new house wasn't getting connected until Monday. But everyone survived, myself included. This last week I've been cleaning the other house almost everyday and I finished it and returned the keys today only to realise I was missing 4 keys! I'll have a look for them but if I don't find them we'll probably just have to pay to get those 4 cut again. We got the house looking better than I was expecting, now everything is crossed that we get the whole bond back. 

Talia came over from New Zealand for 5 days to see Nana Stevie. Camilla picked her up from the airport and drove her to my house, they slept the night and then I drove her to Cowra the next day. The day after we moved Kerry and Mathias went to Dubbo for WRAS trials and I took the three little boys and went to Cowra to spend some more time with Tali while she was here. That was really nice. Then on Tuesday Mum drove her to my place and I drove her to the airport. It was a long day of driving but was really nice to see her and spend some time with her. 

Kerry went away for work on Thursday and came home Sunday night. I didn't sleep very well while he was away, this new house makes some random noises so I was a bit scared. 

I have had a better week feels wise. I had my appointment with Dr Pav today which was good. I'm glad I didn't wait for the appointment to go back on antidepressants. It's still been hard, but I think I'm doing better. 

I stopped wearing my Apple Watch a few weeks ago which has been amazing. I was hardwired to my mobile phone and all the notifications that came through on it, I just got so sick of it. I really hate spending loads of time on my phone and I can feel how addictive it is and how yucky it feels when I spend too much time on it, so having that instant connection with it just amplified that. It has been very liberating not getting all the notifications instantly on my wrist. 

I don't think we have much on over the next few weeks, but I would like to visit Nana as often as I can, especially when we don't have things on. It has been so nice spending more time with her and family. It's such a pleasure watching her glow with love as she is surrounded by all of us. She is just as cheeky as ever and there are plenty in the family who are even more cheeky back to her, but she's always been a good sport.

Nana Parahi died on Friday (9th August) I didn't feel anything, but that feels a bit odd too. She's never really been part of my life and I haven't seen or heard from her in I don't know how many years, so I have had nothing to do with her for so so long, it just felt odd to hear that she died, and I'm not sad or anything about it. Her funeral is tomorrow. 

My Nana, on the other hand... has always been in my life, always. When she goes I know I will be sad because I will miss her physical presence. But I'll be glad that she'll no longer be in pain, and that she will finally be reunited with Grandad and Uncle Sam, and that makes me happy. She is so incredibly loved! holy heck, it seems kind of a rare thing in todays world, but such a beautiful thing to witness and be apart of.