Thursday 19th September 2024

 Last week was rough, but it's those weeks that truly show me how blessed I really am. I have so many beautiful people in my life that I am so grateful for. I'm grateful for everything I learn. So often these days I drown in my own head, sometime I wish there were an 'off switch', but I know there is a reason I am the way that I am, and there is an even better reason I am paired with the partner that I have. We are the right amount of similar and the right amount of different to balance and ground each other. 

I met up with John and Nancy for coffee this morning which was really nice, they are some of my absolute favourite people, and I look up to John as a father figure, I am so grateful to know that he cares for me too. 

I started making sourdough bread a couple of weeks ago and I absolutely love it! It is a really lengthy, slow and involved process, but I find myself incredibly drawn to 'slow' living, and the process of making one sourdough loaf is just that and the result is nothing you can buy or get quick and conveniently, it's priceless. The joy and beauty of a fresh baked loaf of sourdough that has so much time and effort put into it, that is what I love. And seeing my family enjoy that, and being able to share that, is just, beautiful.

Kerry's mum had a big scare yesterday which really hit Kerry. About a month or so ago they discovered she has a cancerous tumour that is pressing against her hip joint and causing hip erosion and a significant about of pain. She also has a problem with blood clots in her leg or legs, so she is on blood thinners for that, and started chemo therapy last week for the cancer as it is inoperable because of how many nerves are surrounding it. But yesterday morning they called the whole family because the Doctors found that she has an internal bleed which is more complicated because of her problem with blood clots and being on blood thinners. So the Doctors told them they need to prepare themselves to loose her, so they did a family phone call and Jane was saying her 'goodbyes' 

From my perspective, Jane has always been so distant. But she is his Mum, so I really feel for him. I know loosing my Mum will be so incredibly hard for me because of how much I love her, so it must be like that for him. My Nana Parahi passed away a couple months ago and I honestly didn't have much thoughts or feelings about it. I don't feel bad about that, to me it's just a representation of how little she was part of my life. Nana, on the other hand, is getting worse each week and the thought of loosing her now is bitter sweet. It's only sad because of the role that she has always played in my life, she's always been part of it. I will miss he being part of my life, she is so very special to me. However, the sweetness is in the knowledge that she will no longer suffer with pain and that she will finally be reunited with her Love, my Grandad.

My Nana is more than I could ever put into words, as is my Mother. I am so freaking proud to come from two such incredible, strong, vulnerable, beautiful. amazing woman. I think people are lucky if they get one in their lifetime, but TWO! I am their legacy. and I am so proud of that, I hope they are too. 

Life is such a complex but beautiful thing. and I am lucky and blessed, whatever you want to call it. I know I'm a beautiful person too. It's just that more often than not, I don't really feel like I am. But, in those most crucial of times, I know that I really am, it's just that I am also my own worst critic. 

    

4th September 2014

 I'm doing heaps better. Honestly, the whole last 8 months had been incredibly challenging but I'm finally starting to feel some relief. Which is obviously a huge relief! We've settled into our new house almost as though it was always meant to be. We like it better than the other one, the layout feels more homey, which is a nice feeling. We cleaned, repaired and cleaned and repaired the other house even I was impressed and we got our bond back.

Our accountant did our tax returns which found that Centrelink underpaid us in the Family Tax Benefit, so not only did it eliminate the debt that we were paying off with them, but we got a lump sum of money from them too, on top of both our tax returns. absolutely massive for us! and allowed us to almost instantly get rid of $3000 in debt!!! I'm so flipping proud! in 8 months this year we're paid over $10,000 off in debt and managed to keep up with living expense's of our family of seven. Although we had to move again, We are in such a better situation than we were 12 months ago and it feels absolutely awesome.

So although I've slacked off in doing the things to look after myself, I'm now able to work on it. I aim for little steps, and feel heaps better than I did a few weeks ago.

The kids are all good. They are so freaking special! The most challenging one at the moment is Taylah-benet. I helped her get a car so she brought her first car with her savings money which is pretty exciting! however, she doesn't work much, which I tried to warn her would be her biggest challenge, she needs the income to support the responsibility of car ownership. She only had one shift this week which was meant to be today (Wednesday) but she is badly constipated again, so had to cancel the shift. This is disappointing and  frustrating for Kerry and I on so many levels because this has been something she has been dealing with for year now and she does absolutely nothing  to help herself, I have brought all the things to help her and she barely even takes them even when she is suffering, we have to remind her over and over and over and over before she actually gets up and makes herself one glass of Metamucil or any of the other things I've got for her when she is especially blocked up like she is right now.

She lays in bed, sleeps all day and stays away most of the night on her phone watching things. We've told her all the things a million times that she needs to do to help herself, but she just doesn't do them. She finds them too hard. I feel like I can't do anything, and if I try do something, she's not going to learn to do things for herself. argh!!! I can't! or I'll just work myself up into a absolute mess.

All the boys are doing good. Mathias has basketball trials for the next three weekends, amongst everything else. But he doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment which I'm pretty relieved about, that seems to be the biggest source of stress for him, when he has one, so he is happier right now without one. I hope he realises that. He's a pretty emotionally smart young man, especially for his age. Which of course makes me feel super proud, but I know that's all him!

Kerry has been a bit down the last few days, which I worry about, but I just always hope that we'll get through whatever we face, individually and collectively. He is away tonight, just for one night, for work. which I think is probably a really good thing that he needed right now. 

It was Fathers Day on Sunday which always gets me thinking. I did want to see my Dad and felt grateful to him. And then there are significant father figures in my life that I just am so very grateful that they came into my life at the times that they did. Derek has always been a big one for me. It was during my critical teen years that he showed me the love and attention that I so desperately wanted and needed. Dave has been it and one point. but right now it is my friend John. I know he sees me for me and cares for me deeply. and he is so kind and considerate, I am just so lucky to have crosses paths with him. I know there isn't much he wouldn't do for me, and although I would try and never ask him (which I think he knows) I know he would whatever he could to protect and help me.

I am one incredible blessed human, and I am so so very grateful