I've avoided writing about church on here because I don't actually know who reads these but I'm pretty sure its just immediate family members and part of me would rather not talk about my thoughts and feeling around where I'm at with church with them. I think I want to figure this out for myself, I don't know, but I do know that they love me no matter what I choose to do in my life.
I've spent a good few hours flooded with thoughts, feelings, memories of my teenage years growing up in the church. Yesterday, I think it was, Mathias asked me if I did early morning seminary class, I said I did. He then asked if I completed all 4 years, which I did. He seemed stunned my this, he has just started and I guess is struggling with the early morning wake ups. I added (in typical parent style) "when I did seminary..." I didn't have the luxury my teenagers do of doing it in the comfort of their own home. I got up and traveled to seminary either at the chapel or at the teachers home - 15-20min drive away. This little conversation opened a flood gate of thoughts and memories!
I have fond memories of my teenage years growing up in the church. I am currently less-active and don't live gospel standards. I was thinking about what it is that made my experience what it was. I feel strongly that I was part of a gospel family, one that I still feel are family to this day. My leaders, my peers, made it relatively easy to do the next 'right' thing. Attend church each Sunday, young woman's / mutual and seminary. I don't recall ever questioning going, I don't recall ever not wanting to go, that's what we did, and wether I fully participated, or snuck away into the empty chapel to be alone and play the piano, I look back on those days with much fondness. I don't ever feel like I fit in with the crowd of my church going peers, but I do feel like they loved me, quiet and a little quirky...me. I feel like every single teacher/leader loved me more than I understood or knew back then, but I felt it in my teenage capacity.
My mum was a single mum supporting and raising me and my siblings. I had a lot of freedom to be whoever I was, to explore and I felt safe and secure at home/church while growing up during this significant coming of age period of my life. My gospel family are a big influence in who I became as and adult.
My kids don't have this. Not even close, and I completely believe that their experience was and is always meant to be their own and is as individual to them as they are. I also know that as their parent I want them to experience all the good things I got to, or at least try to provide them with opportunities to, but I am also my own person, that continues to travel through stages and fazes of highs and lows, of strengths and weaknesses, and as I know that is completely normal. I do feel guilty sometimes, for not being the kind of consistent strength in the gospel, heck...in life... that I think I should be...for my kids. But I also know this is normal, I know I'm not a bad person or even a bad parent, so for the most part I try to be compassionate with myself too. as I would with anyone else who would be in my shoes.
I know that I try my best to be a good and kind person, to be a good and kind mother. I know I try my hardest to just survive sometimes, and that just is, what it is. I don't want to let my mum down, but I know that aside from Kerry, she is knows me better than anyone else, and she loves me. She is the most self-less human I know and she is a pillar of strength (although I know she doesn't feel like it) I know, she draws her strength from heavenly sources, I can say without a doubt that I knew it, because she does.
This life, this world, us humans...are so so complex and so incredibly unique. It's so messy, even ugly in some parts, but so breathtakingly beautiful for the most part, we just have to open our eyes and choose to see it!
